


I Don't Think That's NyQuil

by incendiarydissension



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Shenanigans, Multi, Underage Drinking, there are too many characters in this guys help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-23 08:31:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 27,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incendiarydissension/pseuds/incendiarydissension
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some reason, somebody decided to put the number one prankster king in charge of the punch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ==> Be John.

**Author's Note:**

> the meowrails fic is on a temporary hiatus. I'm sorry guys! it'll be back, though, I swear. in the meantime, have this one...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets his party on and the plotline is introduced wow

_6:30 p.m._

Your name is John Egbert, and you fucking love school dances.

Something about the mixture of excited classmates dancing clumsily in the middle of the floor and the bright flashing lights and the booming speakers make it seem like you're in a movie. Kind of like in Back to the Future when Marty goes to the dance and has to try to save his future self by rocking out on the guitar, but you're not making out with your teenage mom, or trying to strike your car with lightning.

You tried to explain this to Dave in an attempt to convince him to walk away from the drink stand and dance a little, but he just rolled his eyes. At least, he probably did. It was hard to tell because he's refusing to take his shades off. You teased him a bit earlier about not being able to see in the dimly lit room, and he flipped you off and refilled his punch.

Little does he know you spiked it with a bottle of NyQuil you found in Rose's cabinet when you were helping her mix it. Parties are the best places for all kinds of pranks. Heh heh heh.

Rose is in on the prank too. She's over near the corner, hanging up some lanterns that were probably knocked down by someone's flailing arm. Always working, never actually dancing.

You say something to her about the assignment you got in chemistry yesterday and she responds by saying she and Kanaya will probably team up on it. Then she starts talking about all the work she has to do for Student Senate. You bicker a bit about your various responsibilities and try to one-up each other by elaborating upon all the homework you have, and then she goes back to fixing the lamps.

You suppose being a member of Student Senate has its downsides. Of course, Rose has never been one to lay around and do nothing. If she wasn't busy managing the drink table or throwing away used cups, she would probably be discussing something deep with Kanaya, reading a book in the corner, or making a list of things she needed for her latest project. Something scholarly like that.

Oh, shit. She's talking to you, isn't she.

"-and anyways, stacking them wouldn't have worked because there are too many and they would all collapse. I don't think we need people tripping on them. So that's why we did the pyramid. Do you think there's a better way we could have done that?"

"Gh-what?" you say, snapping to attention. Her mouth twists dryly.

"Forgive me for interrupting what I'm sure was a very important train of thought, John. Please, continue ignoring me during the conversation that, must I remind you, you initiated."

"Uh- yeah. I was gonna ask you if you'd seen Jade around."

Rose crosses her arms, thinking. "I think I saw her over near the DJ earlier. No- wait, she was talking to Dave. She tried the punch, but she said it tasted too much like cough syrup." She gives you a conspiratorial look and looks away, smiling, when you shoot back a wink.

"Well, she was close enough. I was going to ask her if she wanted to be my partner for that project..." Your voice trails off as a familiar voice came from behind him.

"Hello, Rose. I have some questions I need to ask you for the newspaper."

Rose turns, her smile completely unsarcastic now, and you figure you'd better abscond before flirt talk ensues. You and Kanaya exchange glares as she turns to Rose.

_6:43 p.m._

"Hey, Dave! Come dance!" Once again, he refuses to be pried from his seat. He shakes his head, putting his cup down on the table so it doesn't spill. "No way, man. There is no way in hell I'm getting up to embarrass myself like those sad douchewads on the dance floor."

"They're not sad, and they're not douchewads! Look at 'em. They're having fun. Daaaaaaaancing... paaaaaaaartying..." You drag out your words to taunt him. He knows you picked up the habit from Vriska and you know it pisses him off. He shuts you up by pointing away from himself, almost hitting you with his finger.

"Having fun, huh?" he says, reaching for his cup again. Where his finger is pointing, a dark shape is curled on the floor.

"Uh oh. I wonder who that is?" you say, turning back to Dave. He shrugs, sipping his punch.

"You know, I told you to ask Rose to get AJ for the drinks table," he says accusingly. You shake your head, wondering at his strange obsession with apple juice, and he sticks the cup under the drink dispenser and fills it to the brim again.

"Uh... Dave? How many of those have you had?" Not that it wouldn't be hilarious to see him snoring after a dose of sleeping tonic. You're just concerned for your best bro is all.

He pauses in his drinking, then shrugs and swallows. "I dunno. Six?"

Trying to hide your smirk as you imagine him passed out on the floor, you turn back to the shadowy lump on the floor. A dancing foot comes uncomfortably close to stepping on them and you figure you'd better make sure nothing's wrong before they get trampled to death.

Dave goes back to gulping punch as you approach, dodging Terezi and Nepeta as they swing past you, spinning to the music in a weirdly wild dance. Finally you make it, and as the light shifts, you think you can make out Karkat's gray sweater.

"Hi, Karkat!" you say, putting on the cheery voice that always makes him mad. He looks towards you, glaring and holding his head.

"Go away, Egbert." His scowl could burn your eyebrows off. You back away, holding your hands up in an innocent gesture that he probably doesn't fall for. "Hey, just checking up on my best troll bud." He turns away, covering his ears with his arms, and you have to inwardly congratulate yourself for staying in a good mood through his grouchiness. "What's wrong with you, anyway?" Aside from the usual stuff.

"Nothing. Go away."

You lean closer again, and he curls into a ball, trying to get away from you. "Awwww, come on buddy! You can tell me anything!" You love keeping up this attitude when you're talking to him. He retreats into his sweater more and you realize he's probably sweltering in that thing.

"I went near the screened note blaster and it fucking shattered my ears," he mutters.

"Whyyyyyyyy did you go near the 'screened note blaster'?" you question, shaking his shoulder. He slaps your hand away. "To get away from Mister Talk-your-face-off over there." He gestures towards the corner, where a familiar red sweater stands out in the semi-darkness, most likely cornering his next victim.

"And whyyyyyyyy do you look like you're in extreme pain?" you persist.

"Because Sollux bumped into me and my head almost went through the note bl- er, speakers." He chokes on the word, rolling his eyes at you as though you're to blame for Jade forcing him to use human terminology.

"Aaaaaaaand?"

"Gamzee poured Faygo on me," he mutters, and sits up to show you his sweater. It's covered in sticky soda and smells like cherry flavoring.

You tell yourself not to laugh.

You miserably fail at not laughing.

He glowers at you. You nudge him with your toe, trying to get him to stand up.

"Maybe Terezi will like you more now that you smell like cherry," you tell him, and grab him by the arms to try to pull him up. He grunts and crosses his arms as he's dragged across the floor, refusing to walk on his own.

"Look what the cat dragged in," Dave says as you dump Karkat on the floor next to where he's sitting. You pour him some punch and shove it into his hand, and he stares at it, looking like he's trying to catch it on fire with mere force of hate. Feeling bad for him (it isn't every day you get Faygo spilled on the only sweater you ever wear), you pat him on the head. He jerks away, sloshing his drink onto Dave's shoes. You grin and walk away backwards as they begin a shouting match, Dave pointing angrily at his brand new Converse.

This night's gonna be great.


	2. ==> Be Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade does basically the same thing as John just did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is variations-reversed ouo

_ 6:30 p.m. _

You love dancing so much. You know you look like a total dork and probably will be teased about it by John and Karkat, but you don’t care. You’re high off sweets and having a great time.

The person you are currently dancing with is having slightly less of a good time. Cronus always seems to weigh down on parties. Plus, he’s the worst at dancing, and you don’t say things like that lightly. So far, he’s stepped on your feet five times, fallen over twice, and smacked various people in the face numerous times. You’re not mentioning it, but you think he might be even clumsier than Mituna.

Which is saying something.

He’s also tried to make a move on you several times just in this one song. You’ve had to actually kick him a couple of times to stop him from leaning in uncomfortably close.

Oh well. As the song comes to an end, you wave goodbye to him and wander around the dance floor, searching for someone to talk to. You’ve never heard this song before, so you’re going to rest your feet a bit.

There’s a lot going on, but it’s pretty much the same at every dance. There’s a group of people that know they’re complete dorks but dance together anyway. That’s where you usually are, along with Terezi, Aradia, Feferi, Jane, and Jake. They’re in a bunch of your classes, too, so you can joke around about your teachers and stuff. There are the really good dancers, like Kanaya and Porrim, and (surprisingly enough) Gamzee. Then there are the too-cool-to-dance kids, who usually hang around the food and talk about how stupid everyone’s being. Dave goes over there sometimes, joined by Dirk and Meenah. And the slightly off-putting Damara hangs out there too, occasionally joined by the nicer people who humor her heavy accent and constant innuendo and rude language.

Oh! There’s Dave. You wave enthusiastically, but he doesn’t seem to see you. He’s talking to John. You decide to avoid them for a while, because you know John wants you to be his partner for the science project. He’s a great guy, and a wonderful partner, but he’s absolutely hopeless at even the most basic nuclear science and you have the best idea ever for the project.

You zone out a little thinking about how awesome it’ll be when you show your teacher your cool assignment and kind of end up losing track of where you’re walking and suddenly find yourself sitting on your ass with two confused trolls staring down at you.

“Oh! Sorry, Jade...” Tavros looks pretty scared as you wince, brushing off your shoulder where he collided with you. You give him a thumbs-up to assure him it’s all right, and push away the hand he offers you. (When he tries to help people up, they usually end up pulling him out of his wheelchair.) Instead, you stand up yourself, dusting off your skirt. Sollux, behind the wheelchair and probably guilty of the high speed the wheelchair had accomplished shortly before its collision, looks sheepish. “Sorry about that, Jade.”

You shrug, not in the mood to get mad at them for reckless driving. “It’s fine. I wasn’t paying any attention. It was probably my fault anyway. You look like you’re having fun!”

“Do you want to push me too?” he offers. You have to decline- after all, you’re not his student aide, are you? He scowls at the mention of the program that the school put into effect a few months ago. He’s already ranted to you over chat about how he doesn’t need help getting around, and he’s perfectly capable of handling himself. Privately, though, you think he likes Sollux’s company. 

You try to talk a little but you can’t hear each other over the booming of the speakers, so eventually you both give up and he tells Sollux to push him faster. Sollux shrugs with a last, apologetic look at you and grabs the back of the wheelchair. They zoom off, Tavros and his chair glowing with psychic energy, and he throws his arms in the air, smiling wider than you’ve ever seen.

_6:41 p.m._

Seems like John’s left Dave alone, finally. You start wandering in their direction, looking around for more things to do. You could go talk to Rose, you suppose. But you’ve sorta lost the urge to gush about your science project, and that’s the only thing you can think of to talk about with her. You’ve begun to realize that the only person who will know who you’re talking about when you start spewing nuclear physics is Eridan, who is one of the people you definitely want to avoid.

You’re approaching Dave, thinking of alternatives to the conversation you had planned, when you find yourself falling for the second time today. Your glasses skid across the floor, and everything blurs in front of your eyes as your hands skid across the floor. Your head cracks violently against the floor, and somebody swears loudly above you. Then you find your head in something soft. 

At first, you just sort of close your eyes and let the throbbing in your head grow louder. You can sense that your head should hurt, but now you just feel numb and shocked. Then a voice fades softly into your consciousness and you accept that you won’t be going to sleep here on the hardwood.

“...fuck oh god shit... shit,” somebody is saying, and you look up and at first it’s Karkat with blonde hair and sunglasses but then it’s Dave wearing gray and scowling directly into your face and then it’s... Becquerel? You try to say his name but the sound that comes out of his mouth more accurately approximates the sound someone makes when they’re gargling. Wincing at your sad attempt to speak, you swallow a few times and repeat, “Bec?”

“No, you shitstained excuse for a human!”

Someone shoves your glasses back on your face and then Karkat’s recognizable glower comes back into view. Dave’s standing behind him, punch cup gripped tightly in his hand. Your vision doubles a few times and then goes back to normal, and you blink at them, slightly bemused.

“What happened?” you try to ask, pushing nonexistent strands of hair out of your eyes. Judging by the way Karkat’s face changes from pissed to panicked and how Dave’s grip tightens so much that his drink is starting to leak onto his shirt, you aren’t going to be dancing with anybody anytime soon. 

“No, no, I’m fine,” you insist, and bat at the little hummingbirds that are flying around Karkat’s face. He frowns and pushes your hand back down. “Jade, shut up and lie down.”

You suddenly realize that your head is resting in his lap and jerk up, scrambling to stand up. “No! Ew. I’m not going to sleep in your lap, you sicko.” Your head spins when you stand. He looks down at his legs as though he’s just realized you’d been there the whole time, and you reel away from him, only half in control of your movements. Suddenly Dave is there, holding his arms out for you to fall into. Sinking into the floor, you let him pull you towards the bench and seat you there with a glass of punch in your hands.

You give the punch the stink-eye, remembering how it tasted like medicine, and try to push it away. Then Dave looks at you with his pouty face and you take a reluctant sip.

“Drink lots of that,” he orders. “It’ll make you feel better.”

Then Terezi zooms past, still grabbing Nepeta, and calls out to him. “Hey, coolkid, are you going to sit there all night and waste away?”

Dave shakes his head, but then glances quickly between Karkat’s disgruntled expression and the half-full punch cup in your hand and gets up quickly. “Well, hate to leave you guys alone,” he says hastily, putting his crumpled cup on the table and straightening his glasses, “but I’ve got some people to dance with.”

 _He gets the hell out of there quickly_ , you think grumpily to yourself.

Spending the dance on the sidelines with Karkat glaring at you. This is shaping up to be an awful night.


	3. ==> Be Roxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she must have not been thinking to clearly when she promised Jane she'd go to the party. silly Roxy. why would there be alcohol at a high school dance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a while to put up here. sorry guys!

6:52 p.m.

You’re pissed.

What kind of party doesn’t have alcohol at it? You’ve been searching and searching for just a bit of vodka, or even a light cider or something, but you haven’t found anything but that shitty punch stuff. It’s the sad truth that you’re angry and frustrated at the party your bestie planned so carefully, mostly because you’re extremely hungover.

Well, at least you can look for said bestie. Maybe she’ll indulge your complaining for a bit and then let you go home and mope. For now, the only thing keeping you here is your guilt. You promised her you’d come (not that you wouldn’t anyway), and that promise is keeping you here, miserable and aching to sleep.

You mope over to John, who’s staring at some kid across the room who you don’t know (Frisky? Virsta? Who cares?). He spins around when you tap him on the shoulder, and beams at you when he sees who it is.

“Heeeeeeeey, Roxy! How’s the party?”

You lean against his shoulder, mumbling some complaint about your head, and his expression changes to one of amusement. 

“Hungover, huh?”

You nod and immediately regret moving your head. 

“Well, hey, I’m not tooting my own horn or anything, but I think you should go and have some of my awesome punch. It’s kind of turned into an infirmary over there. Quiet, relaxing. Lots of places to sit.” He pats your shoulder and you slap his hand, too dizzy to try to control your bad mood. Then you slump over towards where he’s pointing, barely avoiding the various groups of dancing idiots who don’t even bother looking out for you.

Sure enough, Jade’s laying on the bench, surrounded by a bunch of people. You recognize some of them but don’t have the motivation to try to name any. Except Dave- good ol’ Dave. Oh, and there’s that one kind you talk to a bunch. Meaner? Meaty? Oh, yeah. Meenah. You slouch over and dump yourself on one of the benches, trying to avoid light as much as possible.

“Sup, Roxy.”

Oh, god dammit.

You open one eye reluctantly to see Dave leaning over you, looking stoic with his douche glasses as usual. 

“Go away,” you mutter. He smirks- wow, asshole much- and looks at you knowingly. “Hangover?”

“No shit.” You roll over and cover your ears, and he takes the rather obvious hint and leaves. Time to look for Jane. You peek through your arms at the dance floor. Let’s see.

A group of dorks with gaming devices. Nope. Some bossy seniors gossiping in the corner. Definitely not. What about the obnoxiously loud people in the center that are singing to the music way too loudly and out of tune? Yeah, probably. You groan and put your head back down, not willing to get up to find her yet.

This entire day sucks ass.


	4. ==> Be Tavros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tav secretly likes his wheelchair it's red and has lil flames on the wheels

_6:26 p.m._  
This party’s turning out to be so much better than you’d thought.  
You’d actually been banned from social events like this at the beginning of the year. Their excuse was that they were concerned for you being tripped over, but you know they just want you to stay out of the way. So you weren’t going to come. At least, not until a mixture of Jade’s gentle coaxing and Vriska’s relentless teasing (and possibly mind control) backed you into a corner of reluctantly muttered promises, hasty phone calls, and desperate Internet searches to figure out what you could wear. Then, in a burst of defiance that only Jade can give you with her bright eyes and sweet words and understanding smile- you’re going off on a tangent, oops- you snuck in through the back door of the school. It didn’t quite go as planned. Apparently they put alarms on all the doors. But you’re quite dextrous with your four-wheel device, and the teachers that came running didn't see you slip through the bathroom door. You were pretty certain you’d just get in the way, what with your huge horns and all, but it turns out that people just kind of go around you. You’re part of the crowd now.  
You wheel yourself through the throng, trying not to roll over anyone’s toes. You should find Sollux, who’s your assigned student helper, or as the teachers prefer to call him, “aide”, but you can handle yourself and you want people to see that. It’s also kind of stupid. You were absolutely fine last year, and your schedules both got messed up because they had to have you in the same classes.  
Besides, you don’t want to have to make forced conversation with him. You don’t even know each other that well, which is part of why you hate being forced to spend time with him.  
You spot a teacher and about-face, not wanting to be yelled at for being here. They’ll probably tell you to get out of the way. Especially with your horns and all, you’ve knocked over your fair share o-  
“Heeeeeeeey, Tavros!” The singsong voice makes you jump a bit, shaking you out of your thoughts.  
“Huh?” you stammer, trying to turn on the spot, but of course it doesn’t work and you end up jerking to a stop instead.  
Laughter comes from behind you. You slowly maneuver so that you’re facing the source of the noise.  
“God, you’re so slow on the uptake. Think you could speed up a little to talk to me? Or is that just not physically possible?” Her eyes dart from your face down to your legs. She smirks at you.  
“Did you come up for a reason?” you say. Your voice always seems to get quieter when she’s talking to you. It’s kind of aggravating, only serves to prove her ri-  
“I wanted to know if you wanted to be my partner.” At the confused look on your face, she scowls and elaborates. “For the science project, dummy.”  
“Oh.” Relief washes over you and you’re finally able to look up at her as she crosses her arms, waiting for your reply. “Well?”  
“Sorry. I’m already doing it. Um, with Aradia.” You sit up a little taller, and she shakes her head. “Aww, Taaaaaaaavros! You know I wanted to be your science buddy. Why d’you have to be so cold?”  
Her disappointment is so fake and cruel but it kind of makes you regret saying yes to Aradia. Wincing at how easily you’re pulled in by her trickery, you wheel backwards slightly and frown at her.  
“Well, sorry, but that’s who I’m doing it with. And you can’t make me change my mind.”  
 _Oh god, what gave you the bright idea to say that? You idiot!_  
Her smile widens evilly as your words sink in, and you back away more desperately, trying not to run into anybody. She approaches you and your mouth opens of its own accord.  
“Yes, Vriska, I would be delighted to be your partner for the science project,” you hear yourself say. Wrenching your mind out of her grasp, you glower at her and stop rolling.  
“No, I don’t want to,” you stammer as she gets closer and closer.  
“But Tavros, you just said you did! Come on, make up your mind already!”  
With a stunning display of confidence that completely shocks you, you turn your back to her and start pushing yourself away from her. She grumbles behind you and your arms seize up. She struggles with you, the wheels jerking back and forth as you fight.  
“What the fuck are you two doing?”  
Your eyes travel up and rest on Sollux’s confused face. You grin sheepishly and relax your arms. It seems Vriska’s given up on controlling you- she exhales heavily and stomps up to him.  
“Excuse me. We were having a private conversation, so if you would kindly leave us alone-”  
“Yeah, it actually didn’t really look like you were having a conversation at all. More like a jerk-your-matesprit-around festival or something equally retarded.”  
“Matespr-?” Your mouth snaps shut in the middle of the question, and you scowl at Vriska.  
“It was personal, and you interrupted it!” she says, still not letting you talk.  
“Sure, whatever. I’m here to be his aide. Now kindly move aside. I’ve got a four-wheel device to steer.”  
People are starting to stare as their voices grow louder, and you look down, trying not to be too conspicuous. Unfortunately, Vriska grabs you by the back of the shirt and lifts you a few inches off the seat of your chair possessively. You kind of just hang there uselessly. People stare as you wave at them half-heartedly.  
“Look, THOLLUXTH. We have business to discuss! If you’re not gonna let me talk to him, get out of my way!” She drops you back into the chair. The rough fabric of your shirt settles back onto your shoulders, and you rub your neck where it dug in. Then Vriska flounces up to Sollux and shoves him roughly. He stumbles, tripping over the edge of your wheelchair, and lands on your legs, head and feet on the floor and back arched over your feet. You freeze with surprise.  
Vriska’s walked away, flipping her hair, and you look pleadingly at Sollux. He pushes himself off of you.  
Here it goes- the awkward conversation part. You absolutely hate it when he starts talking about gadgets. Might as well begin the conversation yourself.  
“So... um. Have you watched any Fiduspawn? Like I recommended?”  
He gives you one of the Looks. You don’t understand the Looks. How are people supposed to know what you’re saying if you just raise your eyebrows and glare at them? But you take your best shot anyway.  
“I know it’s a show for wigglers!” You desperately try to defend yourself against his doubtful attitude. “You mentioned you were bored a lot, though, so I...” He sighs and grabs the back of your chair, turning so he can push you.  
 _Wait, was I supposed to start talking yet? Were we supposed to laugh at Vriska or something?_  
“I’m not watching any of your kiddie TV shows, sorry. And I’m not gonna play any of your stupid games, either.”  
 _Wow, okay. Sorry._ But you don’t say anything, mostly because he’s in control of your life right now.  
He pushes you through the crowd, probably heading for the drinks stand. You cross your arms and try to look impassive as you scan the crowd, even though his remarks made you kind of upset.  
“Okay, I’m sorry,” he says grudgingly. “I shouldn’t be rude or anything. Like I can judge you.” You look back at him, but he's glaring over to where Feferi and Aradia are conversing. They've probably been counseling him on keeping his temper in check. Then you look past them and your eyes widen. Is that... Dr. Scratch? The principal walks around in his typical superior fashion, hands tucked behind his white suit. People glance nervously at him, trying to sneak past without him noticing. It’s like that guys has eyes all over his body. He knows everything. He just knows.  
You start to say something, but as usual all your words get backed up against each other and a squeaking syllable barely makes it past the traffic jam. “Uhm.”  
“What?”  
“Dr. Scratch is behind us, and, um, I’m not really s-”  
“Shit, I forgot you’re not supposed to be here, are you? Man, we'd better avoid Scratch if you don't wanna be kicked out.” He stops and stares at you curiously. "How did you even get in?"  
You have no time for discussing this. “Get me out of here!”  
Without hesitation, Sollux grabs the padded bars of the four-wheel device and pushes, sending both of you flying through the crowd. People jump out of the way as he runs through the hallway, shouting.  
“Outta the way! Beep beep! Handicapped kid passing through! Move it or lose it! Move it or lose it!” You burst through the entrance to the dance floor, students scattering in your wake like sand in the wind.  
Realizing he won’t be heard in the racket of the music, he stops shouting and instead turns on his psionics, flashing them in the semi-darkness. A thousand eyes turn to the pair of losers with the nerd glasses and the wheelchair, and you sink into your seat and try to avoid the gazes. Somewhere in that crowd is Vriska, probably making fun of you to whoever will listen. Karkat is probably calling you both idiots. Of course, Rufioh is probably also in that crowd, and when you see him he’ll probably give you a high-five and a friendly punch at your sudden, albeit unplanned, display of confidence. You brighten at the thought of him. Older brothers are supposed to be awful, but he's awesome. You got lucky.  
Sollux snickers a bit behind you and pushes you faster, and you urge him on, leaning forward. It almost feels like flying.  
As you sail through the waves of people, someone walks ahead of you, not even noticing Sollux’s brightly flashing lights. You don’t get the chance to open your mouth before the wheelchair skids to a stop and Jade Harley is sitting on the ground, massaging her shoulder where you must have hit her. Sollux makes a noise of suppressed alarm and the lights stop glowing.  
“Oh! Sorry, Jade...” you stammer. You’re nervous, partially because she looks pretty dazed and partially because you don’t want her to notice the blush on your cheeks when she smiles at you.  
“It’s fine! Don’t worry about it!”  
You exchange some more half-hearted conversation, paying more attention to the way her hair catches the multicolored dots of light and how her glasses frame her face than what you’re actually saying. Then she wanders off. You watch her back as it slowly fades into the crowd.  
Sollux shoves the chair again and you throw your arms in the air. “Push me faster!” you demand. He obeys, turning the lights back on. You suppose you should tell him to stop (he’s been banned from using his psionics in school after an unfortunate incident during basketball), but it’s just too exhilarating.  
Eventually he comes to a stop, panting. “Can’t... run... any... more...” he pants, hand on his knees. You try to talk to him but he holds up a hand, trying to get his breath back. Instead you go back to watching Jade, who’s sitting next to Dave and Karkat, holding some punch. Her little dog ears poke up from her hair. You study them wonderingly. Usually she hides them under her hair. Then somebody steps in front of her and your gaze lingers sadly on the shadows where she used to be.  
“Tavros, get over your stupid crush on that human girl already!” Vriska’s voice sounds from behind you and you turn quickly, tearing your eyes from the place where Jade vanished.  
“Wh-what?”  
“Oh, come on. Everybody sees you staring at her every day in class. You’re absolutely hopeless, Toreador. You can’t even get the biggest airhead in school to look at you.”  
Your face has been set on fire by the embarrassment gods. Please stand by.  
“I don’t think she’s an airhead,” you manage. She leers at you through her glasses. “Well, obviously you think she’s perfect. Give it up!”  
“I think... I need to go,” you tell her. Sollux takes this in stride and pushes you past her, still out of breath.  
"Avoid me, then. Like always," she says, and she waves goodbye sarcastically.  
“Dude, she’s hitting on you,” he says.  
“Yeah,” you say.  
He nudges you repeatedly with his elbow and you push him. "Stop!"  
“You have to defend yourself, bro,” he tells you. You decide not to respond to this and look ahead instead.  
Tonight’s going to be very interesting.


	5. ==> Be Karkat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You tried to be Mituna earlier, but failed because Mituna is passed out in the back of Sollux's car after bumping his head on the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bee and puppycat is a really good cartoon

6:59 p.m.  
Goddamn parties.  
They’re so loud and obnoxious and filled with people you don’t want to talk to. Primarily Jade. You don’t have the energy or the emotional strength to go through another conversation with her, especially if you’re going to go home to find one of your future iterations screaming at you for the shitty way you treat her.  
Of course, there’s no way in hell you’re going to move. It’s not possible, with your head throbbing as though your think pan’s boiling over a massive crock pot of human pop songs and Faygo. You tried to stand up once and ended up almost falling on top of her. So you figure you’re just going to pretend to watch the crowd and try to avoid talking to h-  
“So, uh, how’s the party been for you?”  
DAMMIT, JADE.  
You groan and roll your eyes upwards to look at her. One corner of her mouth lifts derisively.  
“Awful.”  
“Yup.” Her reply is less of a word and more of a sigh, and her hand unwillingly goes to the spot on her forehead where a purple bruise is blossoming. You never understood that. If humans have red blood, why do they bruise like seadwellers? Your bruises are always bright red, like your stupid mutant blood, and theirs should be too.  
You realize you’re staring and quickly turn your gaze back towards the dance floor, where Kanaya and John are having a silent glare-off. You roll your eyes because clearly neither of them are capable of kismesissitude, you’ve seen it in too many romcoms and they are just begging for Rose to intervene in a very ashen way. Soon they’ll all be exhausted.  
 _Humans._  
Jade fills up more punch and you stare at it nervously. You haven’t had any, obviously. Nothing that went near Roxy’s disgusting car is going anywhere near you. Plus, it smells suspiciously of Faygo. You wouldn’t force any more of that sticky-sweet odor up your nose if your life depended on it.   
“Heeeeey, palebro!” A loud voice invades your aching head, and as you turn you find yourself almost face-to-face with Gamzee.  
“Holy fuck, Gamzee. I have a personal space bubble and your entire sad existence is invading it.”  
He backs up a couple centimeters, beaming at you. Your headache can’t withstand this.  
“Shit, man. I’m sorry. But have you seen Terezi around? Motherfucker’s got my car? keys.”  
“No, I haven’t seen her. Go away, Gamzee.”  
He grins wider, and you marvel that his makeup hasn’t cracked yet from the dimples that appear on his cheeks. In the dim light, his face looks like a skull, with just the white showing through.  
“Nah, you’re coming with me, bro. Got something to show you.” With another smile, he picks you up easily and slings you over his shoulder.  
“What? No, dude, let me go!” You kick out, protesting as his sharp shoulder digs into your stomach, but he ignores you and strides through the crowd. You’re attracting stares, you can feel it. You spot a familiar red and black shirt and catch Dave's smirking glance before he downs another cup of punch and deliberately turns his back. Embarrassment heats your cheeks, and you resort to your most practiced defense- shouting.  
“What am I, a wiggler? I can walk on my own! Let me down before I flush all your makeup down the load gaper!”  
He snorts and pushes the door open. You flail about on his shoulder as a blast of cold air hits you.  
“Gamzee, put me on the fucking ground right now or I swear I’ll-” A hand covers your mouth, and you’re suddenly sitting upright on the bench. The wintery air seems to actually go through your skin, and you draw your arms in.  
“Why... the hell... did you bring me out here?” You turn, expecting him to be sitting next to you, but he’s still standing, face turned upwards.  
“Ain’t it just motherfucking beautiful?” he says softly, looking between the setting sun and the pinkish clouds. You roll your eyes. Cheesy idiot. He takes a seat next to you and rests his arm behind you on the back of the bench, smiling vacantly. You study him out of the corner of your eyes, the way his other hand rests in his lap and his hair falls just above his eyes. It’s one of the perks (or downfalls?) of having a moirail. You can’t stop yourself from looking at them.  
The sunset is actually kinda pretty, you suppose. Streaked orange and purple, interrupted by scattered clouds. Alternia never had sunsets, or at least not the kind where extravagant colors race across the sky. Something about the way particles move in Earth’s air is special. Different.  
"Gamzee, it's freezing as hell out here."  
He ignores you and spreads his arms across the back of the bench.  
"Let me go back inside. I'm not saying I was enjoying the party. I just want to-"  
"Bro."  
You shut your mouth and look back at the sunset. The reds and oranges are beginning to fade back into cool pinks and blues. To the east, you see inky darkness spreading towards the other side of the sky. You marvel at how fast the sky changed.  
“It’s a miracle,” Gamzee says.  
“Oh my god, you expired sack of cheese puffs,” you reply, more habitually than anything.   
The diminishing sun reflects from his eyes. "Don't you ever find anything beautiful?"  
"Don't you ever stop being corny?"  
“Come on, look at the colors." You give up and try to avoid looking at him, for fear of being forced to smile.  
Today’s not so bad after all.


	6. ==> Be Roxy again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy comes to a ~~not so~~ stunning realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school is so long guys

_7:15 p.m._  
Something’s wrong.  
Dave’s acting like a total dumbass. What’s he doing? Hanging all over Terezi. Literally hanging, like he’s an abandoned jacket left in the closet. His punch cup tips precariously in his loose grip. Terezi's pushing him away playfully, laughing at his stupidity with Latula as he tries to hug her and misses. Jade’s over on the bench, carrying on a long-winded and very deep conversation with Kankri. It’s odd, because usually she just humors him. Now, though, it seems like she’s found something that interests both of them. She talks very earnestly, so loudly that you can hear them over the noise of the crowd. Something about furries.  
Kankri finding something in common with someone?  
Yeah, there’s something wrong. You kind of recognize this behavior. And it's giving you an ominous feeling.  
You try to inch closer to listen to them, but they turn and Kankri glares at you when you are just in earshot. Sighing heavily through your nose, you glance reluctantly up at the punch dispenser. You’re thirsty. There’s no way you’re going to walk all the way to the drinking fountain, anyway. It doesn’t even work half the time. At least you’re feeling better after a short nap on the bench.  
You inch your hand over towards the cups, barely able to reach the top of the stack. Then you manage to tip one off the top without knocking the thing over, and push the button. Punch foams up into the cup weirdly, and you sniff it cautiously. Then you shrug before draining the cup.  
The flavor that hits you is a mixture of cherry flavoring, carbonation, and the sugar rush of soda. But under that, unmistakable in the mix, is another taste, one that’s way too familiar.  
The cup lands on the floor, and the droplets of soda foam to nothing on the ground.  
You stare at the styrofoam for a moment, suprised into motionlessness, and then spin slightly and look for John. You see him almost instantly. He’s talking to Kanaya.  
“John!” you shout.  
“What?” He looks pissed at the interruption, but turns to you anyway.  
“What the hell is in that punch?”  
His expression changes the slightest bit, from angry and defiant to a little smug.  
“Uh... carbonated water, cherry sherbet, fruit punch, maraschino cherries...”  
“And what else?”  
“Uh, that's a s-”  
“JOHN!”  
“Um... okay.” He takes your arm and steers you out of the dance room, back into the lobby area where it’s emptier. The only people here are Porrim and Aranea, who are having some kind of hurried conversation in the corner.  
“Okay, look. You have to promise not to tell anyone. But-” He pulls you down so your ears is next to his mouth. “Rose and I slipped some NyQuil into the punch.”  
You straighten up quickly, and he reels back as you turn on him.  
“John Egbert! Do you have any clue- do you have any idea how dangerous that is?” He shrinks back from you, shaking his head.  
“Do you know what happens when people overdose on that stuff? Had you even thought of that?”  
He shakes his head more vigorously, pleading with you. “I didn’t think about that, Roxy, it was just a prank and I-”  
“What if someone were to overdose? Dave, for instance?”  
John seems to have spotted something on his tennis shoes, and stares at them intently while you glare.  
"I thought it would be funny," he says at last.  
"Yeah, well it doesn't matter anyway." You remember why you confronted him in the first place. "It wasn't NyQuil."  
He looks confused.  
“Get in here.” You grab his wrist and pull him back into the party. Noise closes all around you.  
“Rose!”  
The music blasts around you and you feel light-headed, stumbling a bit in the dots of red and blue. What was _in_ that punch?  
“ROSE GENEVIEVE LALONDE, GET OVER HERE BEFORE I TELL MOM YOU WANT TO GO CLUBBING WITH HER ON SATURDAY!”  
John glances up at you with a dash of chagrin and a whole lot of respect, and Rose comes storming out of the crowd with a string of lights clenched in one fist and Kanaya’s wrist in the other.  
“You will never guess,” you say to her, “what your BOYFRIEND told me about the punch.”  
Her eyes go from John, who shrugs helplessly, to Kanaya, who is bristling at the word ‘boyfriend’, to the giant container of punch, which is about halfway empty. But when she turns back to you, all she says is, “Hungover much?”  
 _Not anymore, sis!_  
“Get over here,” you snap, and grab her arm. She lets go of Kanaya and grimaces, but follows you towards the door. You weave between students and avoid the teachers, and finally burst into the cool air. The first thing you notice is the snow, which brings a gush of cool air to you. You shiver a little, and give Rose a Look. She grabs your car keys from her back pocket.  
Good thing you live less than three minutes away, you think as you speed down the road that leads to your house. Rose and John grumble in the back of the car as you pull into the driveway, run to the door, and shove your key into the keyhole.  
The countertop is shiny and clean, of course. Rose cleaned up after they made the punch, and now the kitchen is impeccable. You toss your keys carelessly on the counter and fling open the medicine cabinet. Already you can feel the punch in your stomach, working its way through your system.  
There’s an empty bottle in there. Rose crosses her arms. “John, you told me you put it in recycling!”  
He rolls his eyes. "The trash was right there."   
You pull out the bottle. It’s unmarked, rectangular, and bigger than a milk carton. Typical for one of Mom's brews.  
“You put a bottle of unmarked liquid into the punch?”  
Rose shifts her weight defensively. “I knew what was in it... because Mom gave it to me when I couldn't sleep.”  
You open the bottle and smell it.  
“Rose.”  
“What?”  
“This is Everclear, you idiot!”  
Rose’s eyes go from narrowed to round in a fraction of a second, and she grabs her stomach.  
“Mom gave that to me when I was a kid and couldn’t sleep! She told me it was NyQuil!”  
John smells the opening of the bottle cautiously and jumps backwards. “Okay, am I missing something here?” Sometimes you forget that while your mom was teaching you the different types of alcohol, people like John were learning the phases of the moon and the difference between capital and lowercase letters.  
As you explain the properties of Everclear to John, his glasses slowly slip down his nose.   
“Dave had, like, twenty cups of that stuff!”  
“Okay, okay,” you say, trying to be calmer. “How much was in the bottle?”  
“Probably, like...a gallon?” she says guiltily.  
 _An entire GALLON?_  
“And... how much punch was there?”  
“Like... fifteen cups?”  
You smack your forehead against the cabinet, trying to bring back the hangover, but the punch is taking effect in your system. Why did you take that huge swallow of it? How alcoholic is that punch?  
“Rose, can you drive?”  
“Why?” she asks, and then her mouths forms a slight _oh_.  
“You didn’t have any punch, right?” you ask.  
“No, why would I drink any-” She trails off as you try to glare at her, but fail. Your bad mood is fading with your sobriety.   
You trail out to the car, sort of dismal and empty now that there’s no direct panic. In fact, when Rose starts the car, you hear a little snicker from John in the backseat.  
“I wonder how funny Dave is gonna be when he’s drunk,” he says, and Rose snorts next to you.   
"What if Karkat drank some?" Rose replies. Another snort, and then John starts laughing outright. You roll your eyes, but feel the swoop in your stomach that happens when you’re keeping back a laugh.  
Okay.  
Maybe it was a good prank.  
It just has to be kept secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOH NOW YOU FUCKED UP  
> NOW YOU FUCKED UP  
> NOW YOU FUCKED UP  
> YOU HAVE FUCKED UP NOW


	7. ==> Go back to Karkat again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Dave is a shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have ASSAULT stuck in my head

_7:24 p.m._  
You’re thinking about barkbeasts and eating cotton candy when you realize that your eyes are closed, a thin stream of drool is trailing from your open mouth, and your head is resting on Gamzee’s shoulder. To establish your awakeness, you make a grunting noise and swallow a couple of times. Your mouth feels like it’s been filled with cotton. Then you come to terms with the fact that you look like a complete idiot and wrench your eyes open.  
It’s raining.  
No, it’s snowing.  
The snow is in Gamzee’s hair.  
His shoulder is wet. Not from snow though. You realize you were probably drooling on him.  
“Shi- guh,” you say, smacking your lips unintentionally. Your eyes feel weighted. He looks from the falling snow to you.  
Suddenly it occurs to you that you’re cold and you curl into a ball, trying to avoid the piles of snow that have accumulated around you.  
“You sat out here in the snow while I slept on you like a wiggler?” you demand. He looks towards a streetlamp, where the flakes are highlighted individually by the yellow light.  
“S’no problem, brother. Gotta do what’s best for a friend, you know?”  
You sigh and get up, done with sitting awkwardly on this tiny bench, and he loyally follows you back into the roar of the party. Behind you, the door closes on the soft snow and yellow glow. You turn to Gamzee, but he’s gone. In his place you can just make out a red shirt and black sunglasses before a weight slams into you and you find yourself on the floor again, this time not by choice. At first you close your eyes. When you aren't immediately attacked, you open one eye and find yourself face-to-face with Dave.  
“Karkat!” he says. His voice hitches like it’s caught on a fence post. You can smell punch on his breath and, tilting your head up, you can just see the abandoned styrofoam cup lying sadly behind him.  
“What's wrong with _you_ , Strider?” you say, propping yourself up on your elbows. He laughs and puts his forehead down on your chest.   
“Karkat.”  
“What.”  
“Kaaarkat. Hey.”  
You push him off of you.   
“Hey! Karkat!”  
“What the fuck?”  
Severely weirded out, you brush off your sweater and stand up. He remains on the floor for a minute, hands and knees against the wood like a cat, and then kneels unsteadily and looks up at you.  
“Karkat. I’mma dog, look. I’m Jade.” He lets out a bark and scrambles around on all fours, accidentally putting his knee on the styrofoam cup. With a start of surprise, he lifts his leg, trying to reach the cup while still kneeling over it. He acts shocked when, instead of grabbing the cup, he does a sloppy somersault. Then he sprawls on his back and starts giggling at the ceiling.  
“Is this some kind of sick joke?” you demand. His eyes go to you and a grin spreads across his face. Glasses sideways. Hair disheveled. This can’t really be Dave.  
“Karkat,” he repeats, and he stands and claws his way up your shirt.  
“Oh my god. Just tell me what you want to tell me already!” Fight the urge to slap him. You can do it.  
“Did you know...” He trails off, skidding on the floor. Then he looks up at you hopelessly, as though he’s forgotten what he was going to say.  
Your eyes widen with frustration until they hurt.  
“...that I’m not really Troll Will Smith?” he finishes finally, and laughs in your face. His ankle turns on the puddle of punch and he slides down, still clutching the collar of your sweatshirt. You’re forced to bend down until you’re face to face with him.  
You can remember Rose mentioning something about being “human drunk”, in conjunction with something about her mom and sister. But you don’t really remember. If it’s anything like troll soporifics, Dave’s going to be is huge trouble with his lusus when he gets home.  
“And also...” He exhales in your face and you try to back away, hindered by his fist around the fabric of your precious sweater.  
“Did you know that John is not a homosexual?” he slurs, and giggles again. Then he lets go of your sweater, kisses your cheek with a loud smack, and runs off in a less-than-straight line towards the punch.  
You reel, trying to stand back up. You feel dizzy. Did Dave just...   
You shake your head and wipe Dave’s saliva off your cheek, trying to bring back angry thoughts. You’re going to have to bleach your skin where his gross human lips touched it.   
Dave’s dashing around, telling other people about John’s apparently very important human sexual orientation and offering them punch. Doesn’t seem to be quite as affectionate with them, though.  
Then John approaches you, chuckling about something. He puts an arm around your shoulder and you prepare yourself to repeat the same disaster that just happened with Dave. But then you realize that he’s acting fairly normal, at least for John.  
“Dude, what in the almighty mother grub’s fucking third digestive tract happened to Strider?” You glance around and pray that a teacher isn’t near to hear you swearing. The urge to paint the walls with colorful language has invested itself fully in you.  
His snickering dissolves completely into a full-blown laughing fest. He’s taller than you, by at least half a foot, and when he leans on you it makes you stumble and almost fall.  
“I put Everclear in the punch,” he snorts in your ear, trying and failing to whisper.  
“What- the fuck- is Everclear?” John might actually be crying with mirth. Tears are leaking from his glasses.  
“Ninety-five percent alcohol,” he sobs into your sweater. Disgusted, you push him off. He straightens, clearly making an effort to stop laughing.  
“Okay- okay. Karkat. Who drank the punch?”  
“Uh-” What?  
“Dave, right? Oh, god, have you seen Dave?”  
“Yes. He slobbered all over me and told me you weren’t a ‘homosexual’.” You gesture sarcastically at the human phrase. “Then he informed me of the infinitely shocking fact that he wasn’t actually Troll Will Smith, and then-” The memory of him kissing your cheek flares up in your mind and you choke over your own words. John doesn’t seem to notice.  
“What about Jade? Oh, god...” He dissolves into a giant puddle of laughing blue-shirted idiot and you decide this is the best time to make your escape.  
You dart through the crowd, avoiding the thought of Dave’s red shirt and loud snort-laughing as best as you can. The image of Dave kissing people's cheeks keeps flashing in your mind, an unavoidable pop-up from the slightly disgusting part of your brain.  
Where the hell is Gamzee when you need him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additionally, writing drunk people is hard. being underage and whatnot.


	8. ==> Be Nepeta.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta's real bored and has to sit with Eridan. Sorry Nep.

_7:03 p.m._  
“If I had my gun with me, that filthy idiot would be a stain of disgusting yellow on the ground right now... What the hell does he think he’s doin’ kissing Fef like that...”  
You move your chin from one hand to the other, sighing as Eridan continues ranting about Sollux. He cracked a few minutes ago and started slurping punch like it was his lifeblood. Now he’s acting like a whiny asshole. Well, more than usual.   
You know there’s something fishy (hee hee!) about the flavor of the punch he’s been drinking, and Equius has banned you from drinking it. You would have defied him angrily, but there’s no point in doing that when you don’t even like the taste of cherry. Anyway, it's funny to bicker with him, but he seems to not really be in the mood for that. Spending all his time with Aradia. Not that you're jealous, of course. But he needs the occasional check-up by his moirail...  
But it's fine. He can spend his time with her all he wants. It's his relationship, after all.  
He could have at least not left you here with this whiny fish troll though...  
You sigh and shift positions again. Your legs are starting to go numb.   
“...I mean, if she wanted to break up, why didn’t she jus’ tell me, before I made a huge fuckin’ fool of myself by comin’ on to her like that? I prob’ly just pushed her further into his arms. What a pathetic excuse for a moirail...”  
Is it just the party in your ears, or is he starting to slur? You tune him out again before scanning the crowd. John and Rose are laughing about something in the corner. Kanaya’s talking to Terezi about something while trying not to glare back at the two humans, and you mentally check off that part of your shipping wall. Gamzee and Karkitty went outside a while ago, and you haven't seen them in a while. Vriska is gossiping with Meenah over in the corner. Tavros left the dance floor after his guide, Sollux, started exchanging gooey eyes with Feferi. Equius went off somewhere with Aradia, which is something you prefer to keep your mind off of for several different reasons.  
Having taken your third mental tally in under a half of an hour, you decide to look for the humans instead.   
Hey, there’s Roxy! She’s beckoning to you. It looks like she wants you to come over. You glance nervously at Eridan, who is glaring at you while he continues to ramble about his romantic issues, and shrug helplessly at her. She slumps and walks over, giving a halfhearted glare. Then she grins goofily. You notice she's holding some punch. THere's something really weird about that drink, but you shouldn't worry. You greet her as she sits next to you.  
“‘Peta. Guess what.” She giggles and leans over towards you, elbowing your arm.  
“What?” you reply. Eridan doesn’t even seem to notice your shift in attention, and instead continues his conversation to the space in front of him.  
“Jane, I mean, John, and Rose... put alcohol in the punch,” she snickers. “And eeeeeeverybody’s been drinking it!” Before you can react, though, she slaps your shoulder and wanders off tipsily. You call for her to come back, but the swell of the music covers your voice and she disappears into the crowd.  
“...and it’s not even like I was gon’ do it, she jus’ snatched up her hugeass gold triden’ and fuckin’ stabbed at me, and I dunno, what’d you’da done, Nep? Right, so I used my wand like any other sensible wizar-”  
“Eridan?” you say cautiously, tapping at his shoulder. You can barely understand what he’s saying.   
He mumbles for another couple seconds into thin air before his mouth snaps shut and he turns his head.  
“Wh-?”  
“Shhhh!”  
He looks at you curiously, tilting his head, and with the sudden movement his glasses slide towards the tip of his nose. One hand fumbles for his cup of punch.  
“Wait, Nep. Stay there. I’m gon’ find Sol.” He pushes himself up, looking top-heavy, and starts to walk towards the crowd. Muttering something indistinguishable, he wanders in a wavery line off into the crowd. Eyebrows drawn, you watch him until he disappears. He’s forgotten his glasses. Did he actually need those? You’re not sure.  
You shake your head.   
Then you shake it again.  
This party was supposed to be fun.


	9. ==> Be Dave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's really stupid when he's drunk

_7:27 p.m._  
Okay, you’ll admit it.  
You really, really like that punch shit.  
And you’re not sure how the lights got that fuzzy, or why everything is spinning and hazy.  
But you’re not even sure if you can muster the irony to complain about this lame-ass party. Which is unusual.  
You got bored to death of either dancing with Terezi, who kept trying to smell you, and sitting with Jade, who acted increasingly giggly and obnoxious, so you got up and wandered around a bit. Right now you’re finding yourself preoccupied by trying to follow the line that traces the edge of the dance floor, and not falling off. You’re not doing very well. For some reason, the place you aim for and the place your foot ends up are very different things tonight.  
Then you feel a distant shove against your shoulder blades. You lurch forward, tripping over the flat yellow line. Your hands catch the cold tile. You should be pissed, but for some reason you find it unbearably funny.  
“D’ya haveta be in the fuckin’ way? I’m tryna start a duel!”  
Suddenly Eridan’s ridiculous accent is the most hilarious thing you’ve ever heard of, and you find yourself laughing hysterically on the ground. A purple blur above you stoops down, and it looks furious.  
“What the fuck are ya laughin’ at, y’ dumb fiddly flipperfish?”  
“I can’t- understand- anything you’re saying,” you gasp, your eyes tearing up with mirth. He gives you a black look, incensed, and reaches into his back pocket.  
“Ya wanna start somethin’, human?”  
Should you be threatened? Probably. But he and his stupid purple hair streak and his cape and dumb stripey pants are too hard to take seriously, especially in this state. So instead you laugh some more, half-expecting him to kill you.  
Then he pulls out his hand from behind his back, looking embarrassed.  
“Forgot Kan snapped my wand,” he mutters.  
Nope, you can’t stop laughing now. You’re dizzy and disoriented and rolling on the floor and an alien just tried to threaten you with a magic wand.  
You think you’re gonna pee.   
“Dude. Strider. What the fuck?”  
Hey, it’s Karkat, looming over you and scowling like an angry crow that just bodyslammed you into the hardwood floor and forcefed you drugs or something. Damn, you can’t even come up with a good metaphor. Who cares.  
“Get up, you idiot. Do you have any idea how unironically stupid you look laying on the floor like somebody just bodyslammed you and forcefed you drugs?”  
Huh.  
“You know, Karkat... can you read minds or something?” That seems a little blunt, so you soften it with a giggle. There. All better. You are a social wizard.  
“Dude, are you messing with me?”  
“Stop saying dude so much,” you pout. “That’s my word.”  
“Bro. Troll Will Smith. Honey Jesus on a barbecue stick. How many cups of fucking punch did you drink?”  
“W- I dunno. Twenty? Thirty? Fiiiifty?” You snort. “Four hundred thirteen?” Then you crack up again and roll over. Karkat looks disgusted.  
“That joke is literally older than this planet.”  
“Your face is older than this planet!”  
He looks as though he’s about to explode with frustration. You chuckle again.  
“You are such an idiot! You go on about Troll Will Smith, and drool all over my good sweater, and then you lean all over me and k-”  
He stops suddenly, flushing, and you wonder what he’s talking about.  
Suddenly a vague memory of kissing his cheek comes to mind. If you weren’t in such a state, you would probably be able to keep your cool, but under these circumstances you’re pretty sure your face matches his.  
Eridan taps his foot impatiently as you stare awkwardly, and then stumbles as he tries to take a step.  
“‘Scuse me, Kar, but we were in the middle of a duel.”  
“Oh, Jesus’ gold-coated ass. Not you too.”  
“What d’ya mean?”  
A lot of things happen at once.   
Karkat grabs Eridan’s wrist and yanks him roughly. Eridan’s foot catches on you and he trips, and Karkat swears loudly as he’s knocked flat. Eridan lands on top of him and accidentally knees his stomach. Karkat slaps him.  
“Hey!” Eridan shouts, and slaps him back.  
You start giggling again as they start a fight, yelling loudly and kicking each other. Breathless with amusement, you barely even notice the person looming over you.  
“Strider, get up.” Mr. Slick commands.  
You hear shuffling behind you as Karkat and Eridan abscond the fuck out of there. Holding the giggles back in your throat, you try to stand up but end up collapsing onto your hands and feet, face-up, and doing a sort of crab-walk to get away. He advances towards you, the brim of his hat reaching out to you. The laughter bubbles up behind your nose like soda bubbles and you fall onto your back. He grabs you and start to drag you away, scowling.  
You’re in huge trouble, and you can’t stop laughing about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think i got a concussion the other day


	10. ==> Be Tavros again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tav gets deep and also has anxiety issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all should check out my [fanmixes](https://8tracks.com/variations-reversed)

_7:33 p.m._  
You’re cornered.  
There’s no way out.  
He’s got you, arms propped against the wall, feet planted, red sweater glowing like a stop sign. And an endless stream of words is coming out of his mouth.  
“Now, you and I both know, Tavros, that being crippled, either physically or socially, is a very difficult thing to deal with. However, the cultural differences between Alternia, Beforus, and Earth mean that the way your paralysis is accepted on each planet is very different, and I... er- we, I should say... will dissect that at length before proceeding. Now, of course, before we continue, you should list your triggers, so that we may avoid them in our conversation...”  
You crane your neck to try and see if there’s any possible escape, but your clunky seat makes it impossible to duck under his arm like most other people do. He waits patiently as your eyes return to him, and you resign yourself to a night of boring sermons.  
“Now, Tavros. I know you have certain topics you want to avoid, even if you refuse to tell me out of embarrassment. Would you possibly like me to begin listing them instead? Let’s see... so far, I’ve noticed-”  
“Heeeeeey, bro! What’s up in red sweater town?”  
You can just catch a glimpse of a makeup-covered grin over Kankri’s shoulder. The red blur bobs up and down slightly as he turns, taking his arms off of the wall where he has you trapped. Then he crosses his arms in disapproval.  
“What is up, my best ancestor invertebrother?” Gamzee leans past Kankri slightly and gives you a lopsided smirk, and you watch hopefully as the last shreds of Kankri’s attention go to him.  
“I’ll ignore your shocking use of a particularly rude ableist slur, Gamzee. Have you come to finally discuss your substance abuse problems? I’ve spent several hours composing a sermon about the difficulties of-”  
“Nah, I just wanted to talk to my bronze-blooded bro,” Gamzee says. Kankri falls mercifully silent, looking scandalized at Gamzee’s flagrant abuse of incorrect hemoterms, and opens his mouth to admonish him. Before he can get out a single word, Gamzee grabs the handles of your wheelchair and pulls you away from him.  
“Hey, excuse me! We were in the middle of a very deep conversa-!”   
“We gotta go, man,” calls Gamzee. Kankri looks furious, and Gamzee speeds up nervously. The red sweater fades into the background. You hear shouting behind you, but he doesn’t reemerge from the crowd.  
Instead, you find yourself again with the wind at your face and people scattering before you. You kind of laugh a little, looking at the shock on people’s faces. There’s Vriska to your left, looking disgusted. There’s Aradia to your right- you wave to her and she beams back. There’s Eridan next to her. Where are his glasses? There’s Jade in front of you- wait, what?  
“Stop!” you say, but the volume of your voice is diminished by the booming of the music.   
“Gamzee, stop!”  
Jade’s back is turned to you. The wheels on your chair make a cartoonish screeching sound as Gamzee skids to a stop, pulling back on the handles. The chair slides for several feet until it slows and you find yourself with your knees up against the back of her legs. They’re soft and covered by striped tights. Her shoes are rubies against the floor.   
You have to tear your gaze away from the perfect shiny redness of her feet when she turns around. She’s wearing a crooked smile that matches her wild hair, and you realize she’s balancing a cup of punch on her head. It seems she’s forgotten about it, though, because she plops herself in your lap and lets it fall onto the floor. Nervously, you watch punch splatter everywhere. Rose is going to be mad about that.  
“Uhhh... I’m just gonna go, Tavbro. Just call out.” Gamzee absconds towards the door. You feel bad briefly- he probably wanted to talk to you- but you know he’s probably going to try to find Karkat again anyways.  
“Tavros!” Jade says, way too loudly for how close her mouth is to your ear, and you jump. “I didn’t know you were here! What’s-s...” She pauses, frowning, as though she’s searching for the right word. “...sssup?”  
“Jade?” She’s not acting normal. It’s making you uncomfortable.  
“Tav. Tav. Guess what I know.”  
“What? Jade, I think there’s something wrong.” you say absently. Her head is on your shoulder. Her arm is around your shoulders. Her hair is tickling the back of your neck.  
“Youuu... have a crush on me!” she announces, and ruffles your mohawk with a giggle.  
“You’re not usually like th-” Her words register half a second later and your brain shudders to a stop.  
Well, yeah, of course she knows. Oh god oh god oh god. You told her once, remember? And she said she didn’t like you back, and then you went and WHAT’S HAPPENING WHAT DO I SAY?  
It turns out you don’t have to say anything, though, because Jade beats you to it.  
“Taaaav.” She takes a giant breath through her nose, and hiccups slightly. “I’ve been thinking, Tav. And I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way. You know? I know how you feel, Tav.”  
She keeps ruffling your hair obsessively, and you stare at her.   
“Jade, are you okay?”  
“What I’m saying, Tavros… maybe you should get over me.” She puts her head on your shoulder and closes her eyes. You look away from her sadly.  
How can you get over her when golden light bounces off the curls in her hair, and she has little rings of freckles around her knees and on each cheek, and she adjusts her glasses in the slightest way when she’s asked a question, and sometimes you start a chat with her without the slightest hint of what to say, only to watch the animation in the corner of the chat box blinking as she writes a response, and when she sends you long emails about robots and gardening that you don’t understand but read anyway-  
“I know how you feel, Tav…” she murmurs, trailing off, and you watch her head drift towards your shoulder.  
“Hello, Tavros!”  
You turn from Jade to find a proper blue dress and neatly curled hair bobbing in midair behind you.  
“Oh. Hi, Jane.”  
“Are you having fun?” She smiles in her kind way. In her left hand, she’s holding a pitcher filled with the bright red punch. Her other arm is trailing off into the shadows, and you catch a glimpse of a wrist clasped in hers. Then a set of rectangular glasses catches the light and Jake appears.  
“Tavros! Isn’t this an absolutely splendid party?” He grins broadly and slaps your shoulder in an older-brotherly sort of way, which you think is kind of ridiculous because he’s 5 foot 2. Jane beams at you. Neither of them seem to have noticed Jade curled in your lap like a puppy. You wonder why she’s being so quiet suddenly, but don’t want to be rude and turn your head.  
“Tav? Why so shy?”  
“Huh? Oh yeah- sorry.” You focus on them again. “Yeah, it’s fun.” You remember too late that they were the ones who organized it and wonder if you should have sounded more enthusiastic. But they don’t seem to notice.   
Are they holding hands?  
Jake beams. “It was pretty hard to plan, but I think it was worth it.”  
You nod.   
“But I was lucky to spend my precious time planning with the lovely ladies! And Dirk, I suppose.”  
You nod again.  
“Spending time with your best buddies is always a way to take your mind off of things. Don’t you agree?”  
You nod again.  
“He kept acting peculiar. I always saw him giving me these sketchy looks. Call me pretentious, but do you think he might be making advances again?”  
You shrug. Jane looks exasperated.  
“I always figured that that slippery Mr. Strider still had the hots for me. He’s a hard one to read, I tell you. Probably even for you, Jane.”  
Jane glances pointedly at you and Jake tugs nervously at his collar. “Oh bother, now I’m going on again about myself, aren’t I? Sorry about that. What were we talking about? You know Jane, you really are great for listening to my babble.”  
“That’s what a friend does,” she says stiffly.  
“That’s right! Ha ha, remember when I used to think you had feelings for me? That sure was a laugh.”  
The pitcher slumps in Jane’s hand, and she sighs. “Come on, Jake. Let’s go check the bathrooms for people.”  
She lets go of his hand, and he looks at his palm like it’s been stabbed. Jane begins to walk off, stomping quite a bit harder than she had been when she approached you.  
“Wait- Jane? Did I say something wrong? Ugh- no, come back! Son of a flipping frick-”   
He gives you an apologetic look, twisting his tie between his fingers, and starts to go after her, but trips. One of his shoes comes off. You watch hopelessly.  
“Apologies, Tav! It seems I really have fucked up this conversation- I suppose we’ll talk later on...”  
He dodges between two seniors and hops after Jane, trying to tug his shoe back on his foot.  
Jade snores.  
You turn back to realize she has fallen asleep on your shoulder. Her arms are draped around you. She mutters something in your sleep and buries her face into your neck.  
God, she’s even perfect when she’s like this. What have you gotten yourself into?  
She stirs in your lap, and you think she’s about to wake up, but instead she just yawns and stretches one arm across your back. Then she frowns and murmurs, “Gotta save them- do the windy thing, John. No, watch out!” She’s pressed close to you, and you can feel every muscle in her body tense as her eyebrows crease.  
Suddenly Jane’s in front of you again, this time without Jake. You’re still watching Jade, frowning, as she speaks.  
“Is that Jade?”  
“Huh? Oh. Uh, yeah.” You’re still focused on her, her cute little scowl and the wrinkles around her eyes.  
“She looks pretty bad...” she replies. “Did she have any punch?”  
“What?”  
“Oh, Roxy hasn’t told you yet, has she?” Jane rolls her eyes and smacks the now empty pitcher against her thigh. “Her little sister and my dork brother put alcohol in it. Don’t tell the teachers though. If this gets out, we’re going to be in really big trouble.”  
Jane lets out a high-pitched whine and hugs you tighter. You feel something wet against the skin on your neck and wonder if she’s drooling on you. Jane looks worried.  
“Tavros, I would get out of the dance. Go get her some fresh air. She’s drunk, and I don’t know how well she can handle it-”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
Jane gives you one last concerned glance and moves to the side to let you pass, but your arms are trapped underneath Jade. You gently free them, trying not to disturb her, but she twists a little bit with a squeak.  
“No- I can’t- Jane, stop!”  
With a squirm, she sits straight up. Her eyes snap open. They’re wild and disoriented, the color of sunlight shining through foliage, and they grab at you desperately.  
“K-Karkat?”  
Speechless, you shake your head.  
“Get me out of here!”  
You fumble for the wheels and hurry towards the door as she looks around, clearly confused as to where she is. You give her a weak smile, trying to comfort her, but she shivers and violently pounds her fists against your chest.  
“Let me out! Let me go! I don’t want to!”  
“I-I’m going! Just wait, we’re almost there. Uh- it’s okay.” You’re terrible at comforting people and even worse when the person you’re comforting is so distractingly beautiful. You shouldn’t even be thinking about that now. You should be trying to get out.  
You dodge Dr. Scratch, whose back is turned to you as he converses with a nervous student, and wheel as fast as you can towards the door. Luckily it’s propped open, or you’d have to slow down, but as it is, you find yourself rocketing into the night. It’s freezing, but refreshing. You turn the corner to the courtyard, which is thankfully empty and barely covered with a dusting of snow. There are few windows and only one opening.   
Jade pushes herself off of you and stumbles towards the lone bench that stands in the middle of the yard. Seconds later you hear her gagging. Then she sinks to her knees. There’s a quiet sob.  
“Jade?” you say tentatively. She doesn’t seem to hear you, and you wonder if you even spoke at all or if you just imagined it. But then she turns. Her cheeks glisten in the yellow light.  
“S-sorry,” she hiccups, and stands, covering her face.  
“No! It’s fine,” you protest.   
She reaches back with one hand and props herself against the bench, wiping her mouth. You think she might still be drunk, but in a less loud and out-of-control way. You don’t like this Jade. She’s so much less there.  
She sniffles and you try to maneuver your device so that you’re sitting next to her.  
“W-what were you dreaming about?” Your stutter is starting to come out again as you try to comfort her. You hate it when that happens. She doesn’t seem to notice, instead studying her hands with heavy eyes.   
“Do you ever feel like you could…”   
She trails off and begins chipping at her nail polish. You wait for her, wondering if she’s going to keep talking. Probably not. She probably doesn’t think you’ll listen. You wonder if you come off as the type of person who will listen to someone.  
“Do you ever feel like you could kill someone?”  
You look up, startled, and she avoids your gaze.  
“I had this dream... that I killed people. John, and Rose, and Dave... Jane was even there!” Her breathing has sped up a little bit, and her voice strains.  
“I dreamed that Jane and I weren’t… us… anymore. We were like soldiers, and Jane had a creepy tiara. I was trying to fight Dave. He had his sword with him. And I tried to kick the mayor into lava. And Jane and I- we found Karkat. And he was so scared, and she killed h-”  
She gasps and buries her face in her hands.  
“There was so much blood,” she says, her voice muffled. You hug her, and she begins to sob outright into your shirt.  
The wind is bitter but not rough. The lamplight has gone from warm yellow to an angry orange, shining off the flakes with a vengeance. It’s eerily quiet. The sounds of the party have been left behind with the brick walls and vivid colors. You watch the windows of the school, and as the snow settles on your shoulders and the tops of your heads you hold her and know that this is the only time you’ll let her be vulnerable like this. It scares you to see her crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> over 2500 words people


	11. ==> Be Karkat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha Karkat what have you done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYSSSSS YOUR COMMENTS AAAAA THANK YOU FOR MOTIVATING ME

_7:42 p.m._  
You knew it was a bad idea to let yourself get mad at Eridan. In this state, when he’s barely intelligible and willing to start up a fight with anyone, he's prone to be even more dangerous. But the peacefulness of the sunset with Gamzee has been replaced with confusion at your friends’ idiotic behavior, and your awful headache has come back.  
Now you both just want to get away from Slick so you can continue your fight. You know that his temper’s not going down until he yells at someone.  
Especially human-drunk like this.  
You both run out the door, glaring at each other, and Eridan trips and barely catches himself as you near the door. Then you burst out into the cold air. There’s the bench you fell asleep on- you can barely see the imprints of your and Gamzee’s legs. But instead of turning towards the seat, you head for the courtyard. As soon as you get there, Eridan grabs your wrist.  
“What the fuck, Kar?”  
“Dude, just calm down!” You try to console him, but you’re too angry.  
“I was tryna start a nice little fight with Strider and you hadta butt in!” His voice is raised angrily and his face is bright purple. You wonder exactly how in control the idiot is of himself.  
“Yeah, well what did he ever do to you?” You find yourself defending Dave automatically, if only to make Eridan more steamed up, and it works. He tightens his grip on your wrist.  
“I oughta just-” He scowls.  
You decide to change tactics.  
“Look, Eridan, you’ve had some of this human punch shit and scrambled your think-pan. Can we just sit and talk about this a little?”  
“I wanted to fight him, Kar!”  
How old is he, two?  
“Okay, I get that you wanted to fight someone! God, get over it. You always want to duel.”  
“They deserve it!”  
You never had much patience and you’re not about to start trying.  
“You know what? Fine. Go in there and kill everybody, so much as I care. Just shoot all of them through the gut. Skewer them like scuttlebeasts, like what you did to Kanaya and Feferi.” He clenches his fists and makes as though to lunge at you. Stupid Eridan. You’re trying to help him!  
“Shut up, Kar.”  
“You always have to start these stupid fights! Maybe that’s why Feferi-”  
He punches you.  
The pain in your cheek fires a bit late, so you have time for several different thoughts to flash through your head before you recover. The first thing that comes to your mind is what a dumbass you are for defending Dave. Since when did he deserve your protection? The next thing you think is that you’ve gone way too far. Bringing up Feferi was a terrible and incredibly shitty idea on your part. Finally it comes to your attention that you’re a fucking idiot for even starting this fight in the first place. Then you find yourself stumbling backwards, and regain your balance to hit him back. Your fist connects with his cheekbone. It probably hurts your hand more than it hurts his face, but it does the trick. He reels, almost losing his balance completely, but recovers quickly and goes for your legs. You try to dodge. He grabs your foot before it moves out of his reach, and you find yourself on the ground with snow seeping through your clothes. He kicks you while you’re down, and you double over as his foot connects with your stomach. Then he goes for you, hitting your shoulders and head and legs. You try to struggle up, but he pushes you back down and you give up.  
The tears are knocked out of you.  
Every time he hits you, you can feel another bruise.  
Finally it stops. There’s heavy breathing, and then there’s nothing. You can feel all the places he kicked you against the snow. The blood rushes to each bruise. Your stomach knots as you think of red. Red blood, red bruises, red bass booming from inside the school. Even the streetlamps seem red.  
Your stomach.  
Your leg.  
Your elbow.  
You’re just glad he didn’t have his wand.


	12. ==> Be John.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John was slow on the uptake  
> blame it on too many bad movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate how I end chapters hh

_7:42 p.m._   


You fucked up.  
You fucked up.  
God dammit, John, why are you so stupid?  
The prank wasn’t even a good idea in the first place. Who knows what consequences NyQuil could have had on people? What if someone was allergic? What if they drank too much and got poisoning or something? Stupid, stupid!  
And then when you found out, you spent the entire car ride back, plus a good half- hour in this dance, laughing about it! What if they get alcohol poisoning? What if their livers explode? What if you’re arrested for homocide? What if… what if… oh god…  
So you’ve got to tell everyone.  
Too bad you were never a track star.  
Feferi turns around as you come up behind her, gasping for breath. She looks up at you with more than a little amusement.  
“Don’t… drink… the punch… pass it on!” You repeat the same words you’ve been saying for the past half-hour. There are hundreds of students at the dance and only three of you. All you can hope is that the teachers don’t find out- you don’t need suspension, or expulsion.  
“What?” she says. There’s laughter in her voice at your mussed-up hair, your rumpled shirt. Thankfully, though, she seems completely sober.  
Now you wish you were more in shape. You bend over, putting your hands on your knees. She watches you concernedly.  
“Do you need to sit down?”  
Shaking your head, you straighten up again and face her. “No, ‘m fine. Tell everyone!”  
You turn and prepare to run off again before she stops you, frowning.  
“Why?”  
Sighing, you turn around. Surely Roxy and Rose can handle it on their own.  
“Okay, so Rose and I pranked the punch. And Rose said it was NyQuil, but it really wasn’t. It turned out it was a giant bottle of alcohol that Rose’s mom kept in the cupboard. So now Dave and Jade and a bunch of other people are kind of crazy and we need to stop everyone from drinking it. But DON’T tell any teachers. Please.”  
She looks exasperated, but the laughter is still on her face. You think it’s safe to chat a little.  
“Do you know who else’s drunk the punch?”  
She shrugs. “Eridan had a cup. I think Dave had a lot. And Terezi started drinking it after Dave told her it was cherry flavored.”  
“Oh, god,” you say. “Eridan, like the guy who drank some of Gamzee’s weird soda by accident and almost strangled Dave?”  
Her mouth goes flat. “Yes. It’s pretty hard to keep him in check, John!”  
Then you remember she’s his… what was it? Moirail. It was probably her fault.  
“Oh. Oh, well. Sorry,” you mumble.  
She looks down, the smile fading from her face.  
“It’s fine,” she says a bit too brightly, but doesn’t look up.  
You both stare at the floor. The music booms around you and you feel that it should probably shut up to suit the mood.  
Finally a distraction from the awkwardness arrives in a flash of red and blue and Sollux stumbles out of the crowd, swearing under his breath. Feferi grabs his wrist before he can bump into her. He flails about, windmilling his arms wildly, and manages to regain his balance.  
“Sorry,” he tells Feferi, who beams genuinely at him. She seems to have pushed aside your mistake from a few seconds ago.  
“It’s fine. What happened?”  
“Dunno,” he mutters. “Some asshole bumped into me.”  
“Oh, Sollux! John wants me to start telling people not to drink the punch,” she says, glancing at you.  
“Because of the human shit they put in it. Yeah, yeah.”  
“Sollux, don’t be rude.”  
“Myeeh,” he mimics, and she pushes him, grinning.  
They’ve fallen into the familiar pattern of gentle lovebird teasing, and you’re definitely out of place in the conversation now. You start to leave, feeling like you’re intruding, but she notices and beckons for you to stay. Luckily, though, you’re saved by a tap on the shoulder. You turn and find yourself face-to-face with Jake. He looks up at you with a very worried expression.  
“Sorry to interrupt, chap, but... er, I was wondering if you could do me a favor?” he asks you.  
“Sure,” you reply, glad for the excuse to get away from Sollux and Feferi. They barely seem to notice as you leave and follow Jake into a slightly quieter place in the room.  
“Uh... okay, I got myself into a rather bad place with Jane. I don’t know what… I said something wrong, and now she’s angry with me again. Would you be willing to do me a favor?”  
“Sure,” you say again.  
“Uh, yeah. I’m gonna go find her. So while I figure that out, could you be a pal and check the men’s room for... eheh, um... illicit activity?”  
You shrug and nod. Why not?  
Jake apologizes and thanks you again and again as you turn to walk towards the bathroom. He follows you until you get to the door, where he gives you one last clap on the shoulder and leaves, weaving through the crowd and shouting for Jane. You push the door open and are greeted with a rush of air.  
The hallway is virtually empty. You spot a couple of teachers and wave politely to them before turning left and heading for the boys’ bathroom. It’s at the far end of the hallway and around the corner. Jane’s probably checked the girls’ already.  
As you approach the bathroom, you start having second thoughts. What if there are people in there? What if they’re smoking weed or something? What if you have to yell at them to get out? It’s too late now.Slowly, you reach for the handle, glancing back surreptitiously at the teachers. They don’t seem to be paying you any mind, though, so you push open the door.  
Oh.  
At least you know where Equius and Aradia went.  
Nope. Never mind. You’re not staying in here.  
You leave and walk rather too quickly down the hallway, attracting some suspicious looks from the teachers lurking outside. Giving them a weak smile, you hop back into the dance.  
“John! Did you check the bathroom?”  
Jake is there so suddenly that you jump. He beams widely. Dirk is standing behind him.  
“Uh. Yeah,” you say.  
“Was there anyone in there?”  
You really don’t want to elaborate, so you choose the next best option- lying.  
“No.”  
“Oh. Okay! Now I can go tell Jane the bathroom’s fine. She’ll be pleased as a partridge. Maybe she’ll even talk to me again!”  
Dirk looks at you suspiciously. “Do you really think he’s telling the truth?”  
Aaaaaugh, stupid fucking Dirk!  
“Why wouldn’t I believe him?” protests Jake, putting his hands on his hips. “He’s my buddy!”  
“Look at John’s face and tell me he isn’t blushing.”  
“I don’t BLUSH!” you inform them.  
“Did you brush some makeup on before the dance, then? Come on. Spill it,” he insists.  
You bury your face in your hands. “I saw Aradia in there. With her boyfriend.”  
You estimate that your face is approximately the same shade as Jake’s is turning. Dirk looks at both of you and rolls his eyes behind his shades.  
“It’s not a big deal.”  
“Okay, you go in there and tell them to get out then!” you protest, embarrassed at his contempt. It was startling! It’s not your fault Equius and Aradia are a little too close!  
“Fine,” he shrugs, and turns to go.  
Jake starts. “Wait- Dirk!”  
Dirk doesn’t react to his shout. He continues to walk away.  
You and Jake look at each other.  
You shake your head.  
No.  
No way.  
He grimaces and turns to follow Dirk, and you reluctantly walk after them.  
The teachers definitely look doubtful now. You try not to look at them. Dirk sweeps past without a glance at them. The hallways stretches out, suddenly seeming infinitely long under their watchful gaze. Dirk seems to cross it in a second. He turns the corner. Jake casts a glance back.  
“I think they’re watching us,” he whispers.  
“Shut up!” you hiss.  
“We’re going to get in a tough spot if-”  
You shake your head and grab him. The two of you jog to catch up with Dirk, who looks at you without expression and then creaks the door open. You and Jake turn away.  
“You two might want to get out of there before the teachers find you,” he says calmly. There’s a muffled squeak from the bathroom. After a few moments in which Dirk turns his gaze away from the doorway and looks at you pointedly, Aradia appears, face deep scarlet. Her eyes go from Dirk to you to Jake, who looks scandalized.  
“Uhm… how long have you been standing there?” she asks as Equius joins her in the doorway.  
“Eh, ‘bout an hour,” Dirk says. Aradia looks derisively at Jake, who looks even more embarrassed than she does. Equius seems to be searching for something else to look at other than his three confronters. Eventually he settles on the stained ceiling tiles.  
“Okay, maybe more like a half a minute,” Dirk continues, probably in an attempt to lighten the mood.  
You try to catch Jake’s eye, but he’s busy staring at Aradia. He appears to be struggling with himself.  
Finally he blurts, “Maybe you should go back to the dance floor. Before the teachers find you.”  
Eager to get rid of the incredibly tension-filled quiet between you, you turn and start walking again. They trail after you, all too embarrassed to talk. Except Dirk, who seems exasperated at your immaturity.  
You look at the carpet again as you walk past the teachers, hoping to avoid confrontation. No such luck, though.  
“Excuse me, Mr. Egbert.”  
It’s Dr. Scratch. You can tell by his green shoes.  
Slowly you look up to meet his face. It’s stern. He looks like the leader of some cult. A very well-dressed cult.  
“This is the fourth time you’ve walked past me. Is there a reason that you’ve seemed to..." He pauses and focuses on the gang of teenagers behind you. “...accumulate so many friends?”  
“No,” you mutter, just wanting to get back to the party.  
“Would you be willing to tell me what was going on in the bathroom?” he says coldly.  
“...no.”  
“Would you rather come to the office with your crew?”  
There’s a short, tension-filled silence, broken only by the shuffling of Equius’ feet on the carpet. Then Jake takes a breath.  
“Excuse me, sir, but we had some rather important business to attend to-” Jake tries to dodge into the room. Before he can get any further, the principal’s hand shoots out and grabs Jake’s collar.  
He stops and stands there, unable to move.  
“Sorry,” he mutters.  
You and your companions hurry to repeat him.  
He raises one eyebrow, and Jake stumbles as he’s yanked down the hallway, flailing comically. Dirk sighs and follows after, looking for all the world as though he’s out on a hike to the number one tourist attraction. You look back to see what Aradia is doing. She shakes her head, still looking down, and then starts walking. You have no choice but to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have put the notes at the beginning at the end and put the notes at the end at the beginning. then the notes at the beginning (which would then be at the end) would have something to correspond to. but then the notes at the end (that would consequentially be at the beginning) wouldn't make sense anymore. then I would have to delete this lovely concoction of a note and instead come up with something funny and clever to say, and obviously I'm bad at that. I didn't do any homework today


	13. ==> Be Tavros.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *hella jeff voice* its amlost time.............. for the JAFEKATS
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> .........................they are herre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of the jadekat will come later
> 
>  
> 
> folowed by..................................the davekat

**7:51 p.m.**  
Jade has just dozed off, leaning against your shoulder, when shouting comes from the other side of the courtyard. You gently ease her off of you and lay her on the bench. You’ll come to get her later.  
There’s a blur of purple and gray at the end of the courtyard. Someone shouts.  
Is that Eridan?  
He’s flushed, angry, and kneeling next to someone, unprovokedly attacking some poor, helpless, innocent victim. Oh, that’s Karkat. Okay, maybe it’s not unprovoked. You approach more quickly. Your friend is getting beat up, and all you can do is roll around helplessly?  
But before you can do anything- maybe blurt out a few words to get Eridan to stop, or nudge him with your chair to get his attention- he stands, gives Karkat one last disgusted tap with his foot, and walks away, albeit unsteadily.  
Karkat is curled up in a ball in the snow. Tears stain the snow. There’s blood.  
You wheel closer, through the snow. Did they argue? Did he just start beating him up without a reason? In Eridan’s current state, both of those are equally likely.  
“Are you okay?” you say, before you realize what a stupid question it is.  
“Hrrrmmmghf,” he groans into the snow. He’s holding his stomach, and his sweater is pulled up just enough so that you can see a reddish bruise starting to blossom under his skin.  
“What happened?”  
“Fuuuuuck.” He grabs a fistful of snow and shoves it under his shirt.  
You offer him a hand and he reaches up and grabs it. He pulls himself up. You barely manage to keep yourself sitting in the chair as he straightens, slapping his knees to try and get the snow off. Then he doubles over, barely resisting sinking to his knees. Cautiously, you help him over to the bench where Jade is still sleeping, and seat him next to her. He glares down at her and inches away.  
“Can’t they add one more fucking bench?” he complains.  
“Hmm,” you say absently. You should go get someone to help Karkat. But Jade’s still there, obviously drunk, and you definitely don’t want to be the one to give away the prank that backfired so badly. If a teacher comes, you’ll all be deep in the pits of trouble. And she looks so innocent, sleeping softly on the bench...  
Or maybe not. Suddenly you see that her eyes have opened. She yawns, holding her stomach as though it aches, and then her eyes fall on Karkat's. Then they travel slowly down to the spots of blood on his shirt and widen.  
“What happened?” she yelps, and then covers her mouth at the high-pitched sound.  
“Stupid seadweller beat me up,” Karkat mutters. Jade puts a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asks. She flinches like she just realized, like you had, how useless a question it was.  
“Oh, yeah, totally. Just got punched in the abdomen by a drunken sea prince and now this sweater’s ruined. Definitely fine. Best day ever.” He talks stiffly, as though it hurts, and as he takes a shaky breath, you see his fists slowly curl like he's trying to ignore the pain most likely working its way through his chest and back by now.  
“Tavros, you havta go get help!” Jade grabs a fistful of snow and dabs at one of the cuts on his face, nearly missing.  
“Yeah, sure.... Of course,” you reply. There’s no way you can stay now anyway… with Jade sick and Karkat injured, you have to do something to help. God dammit- she's giving you puppy dog eyes. That's _really_ unnecessary. You mentally beg her to stop.  
You turn as she returns to dabbing at Karkat's face. He whines loudly and slaps her hand away, and you stifle a laugh. As their bickering gets louder, you leave the cold and solitude and the two figures alone in the snow.  
Huh. Maybe she belongs there with him.  
After all, they are the newest addition to Nepeta's shipping wall.  
Distracted as you make your way towards the doorway, you barely notice the teacher lurking nearby until she grabs your shoulder.  
“What are you doing here?” she says sharply. You jerk back, snapping your head to meet her eyes. It’s that art teacher, Ms.... Paint? Her grip tightens on your upper arm, and you try not to flinch, remembering that she doesn’t understand what it’s like to have soft skin instead of a hard shell.  
“Well?” she demands. You feel unintimidated, at least for now. Her harshness seems false and forced, as though she’s used to being kind, and the spots of paint on her face and clothes don’t help.  
“I- I figured I would be fine. Since there’s a ramp and all. I mean, I don’t need my aide, because there’s ramps.” _Smooth, Tavros. Real smooth._ “And I haven’t gone to any parties this year, so...”   
“Young man, you were told to stay home tonight for your own safety,” she tells you. Your heart sinks. Apparently she isn’t aware of the real reason they’re keeping you away.  
As she steers you roughly through the hallway towards the office, clearly unaware you can get there yourself, you lean against the chair and sigh loudly.  
Jade’s going to have to handle herself tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to learn how to end chapters better


	14. ==> Be Karkat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE JAFEKATS..............................................................................................  
> THEY ARE HERE
> 
>  
> 
> butt where you may ask
> 
> SCROLL DOWN DUNKASS
> 
> :^Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN AS MANY DAYS YOU'RE WELCOME

That’s how you find yourself alone with Jade in the courtyard in a snowstorm.  
As soon as Tavros rounds the corner, she turns to you with a look of resolution on her face.  
“Show me the bruise,” she orders.  
 _What?_ “No!”  
“Karkat. Lift your shirt up so we can do something about it.”  
There is absolutely no way in all the depths of both universes that you’re lifting up your sweater to show her your shitty blood. You cross your arms and scowl at her. She scowls right back and grabs your shirt.  
“Hey, get _off_!”  
“We need to ice it!”  
She tries to pull up the fabric and peer at your stomach, but you slap her hand. She snatches it away, looking wounded.  
“Fine then. Be self-conscious and pissy about your dumb red blood!”  
“I am _not-_!” Thankfully you were never the type to blush, or you would be proving her point even more. You turn away angrily.  
“Karkat, just let me put some snow on-”  
“No, fuck you,” you interrupt, keeping your gaze turned away. You feel her frustration in waves. It feels like she’s glaring a hole in your back.  
You expect her to say something, but it’s quiet. You wait for something to happen. Jade doesn’t say anything.  
Just as you’re about to turn around and see what happened to her, something hits you at high speed and you’re knocked off the bench into the snow. At first, you don’t feel anything but the cold. Then a sock-covered knee hits your stomach. The pain in your gut flares back up and you fail to keep back a squeak as the sensation of being stepped on by a large flaming boot invades your entire being. You curl into a defensive ball, squeeze your eyes shut and clench your fists to try to keep the injury from throbbing. It doesn't work- instead, tears form in your eyes as it sears past your chest and into the front of your throat.  
Finally you crack an eye open. Jade sits on your legs, scowling.  
“Now let me look at your goddamn bruise!” she says, and yanks your sweater up before you can even react. You try to wriggle away, but she has a firm grip on your clothes and isn’t letting go. Then she grabs a fistful of snow and slaps it roughly onto your stomach. You barely hold back a cry of pain, instead covering up a muffled squeak with your palm, and she yanks her hand away. Fighting the urge to lash out, you instead decide to swear under your breath at her until she leans back and her ears flick sadly.  
“...sorry,” she mumbles.  
You try to complain to her about her temper, but are briefly unable to talk as the bruises ignite again and send spikes of pain into your stomach. You feel as though you’ve at least bruised a- what’s the human word again? Rib? It feels like one or two of those is being slow-cooked over a jalapeno-spiked fire.  
“I kind of can’t control it.” She wipes the snow off of your skin and starts to pack it together more carefully. “It was the dog in me.”  
“Sure,” you snort, and then your abdomen makes the decision for you to shut up, because _ow_.  
She sits back on her heels, watching you. The ache gradually dies down, leaving only a dull burning in your torso. You can now focus on all your other injuries- the cut on your arm, the eye that probably is turning a beautiful, lovely, _fuck-awful_ shade of pink right now.  
Jade studies you thoughtfully, flicking one white ear. “I don’t get it. Why do you try so much to hide your blood?”  
“ _I do not!_ ”  
Her terse glance makes you scowl. You push yourself up and stagger towards the bench. She watches you seat yourself upon the cold material.  
“Yeah, you do,” she says.  
“Are you blind? Do you need a seeing-eye dog? Or wait, maybe a seeing-eye human? I could bleed pink sparkles and you would complain that I’m hiding it.” you snap. She looks at your hands, which are covering your blossoming bruises. Then her eyes move to your gray sweatshirt, so starkly different from the colored clothes of all your other friends. Then her eyes snap to yours, green and harsh in the darkness. Your own are yellow-irised and gray, with barely a fleck here and there of bright, sharp red.  
“Do I look like I’m trying to hide something?” You didn’t mean to say it aloud, but she looks at you sharply and you snap your mouth shut. Then she nods tightly, mouth pressed together in a flat, unforgiving line.  
“Yep.”  
“If you had mutant blood, you would hide it too!” you blurt, and immediately regret it.  
“No- Karkat, look… your blood is literally the exact same color as mine! Why are you so afraid of people seeing it?”  
A combination of your aching stomach and her obnoxiously self-important expression force a slow churning rage to build up behind your eyes.  
“Why do YOU hide your ridiculous-as-fuck dog ears under your hair all the time? Are you scared of being teased? Attacked? Do you think possibly that it might be embarrassing? Might it take down your worth as a human?" you challenge her. "Because if I had shown my fucking cursed blood on my home planet, my neck would have been snapped and I'd be done for. Hell, if someone looked really close into my eyes, they might see that my blood isn't normal. It's fucking candy red! That means death. Do you understand? _I could have died any day on Alternia_ , and you dare ask me why I hide it!”  
Her hand goes to the white fur on her head, and she looks down. At first, you glare at her. _Serves you right, you ungrateful flea-ridden excuse for a girl! _Then she looks up at the sky, and you see her lip barely trembling in the yellow light. The snow hisses at you for your stupidity. You wait for her to get angry, yell at you, scold you, but she keeps looking away. Then she sniffs.__  
“Okay. Sorry, Karkat. I guess you were right,” she says softly. The bench goes up and down as she shifts her weight, turning her body away.  
You watch the snowflakes drift downwards, determined not to see her face. You resolve not to check your Trollian account tonight. You’re not going to deal with the several iterations of yourself that are surely going to scream at you and prove your own idiocy even further. Even as you think that, though, your phone buzzes in your back pocket. Jade doesn’t look over, so you reach in and take it out.  
The screen flashes with a green notification. _1 chump has messaged you._  
You sigh and open Trollian, discarding almost immediately the radical notion you'd had before of actually avoiding all the ridiculously masochistic pain you like to force on yourself by letting your asshole future and past selves get to you. But Jade keeps looking away. She seems to be distracted by the snowflakes, and you look back at the phone, and oh fuck it's too late now anyway isn't it...  
You look back at the screen. Yep. It’s exactly who you thought it would be.  
FCG: OH MY GOD, YOU ABSOLUTE SACK OF SHIT.  
FCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW STUPID YOU’RE ACTING RIGHT NOW? IT’S MAKING BOTH OF US LOOK LIKE DOUCHEBAGS.  
CCG: LOOK, IF ALL YOU’RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME HOW DUMB I’M BEING, WILL YOU JUST CAN IT FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE WASTE OF A LIFE?  
FCG: DON’T EVEN START WHINING AT ME. LOOK AT THE WAY YOU’RE ACTING TO HER. SHE’S NOT EVEN IN CONTROL OF HERSELF.  
CCG: I’M TRYING TO HANDLE IT. LET ME FIGURE THIS OUT BEFORE YOU FUCKING TROLL ME, YOU PETULANT PHLEGM BAG.  
This is so meaningless. Whenever you chat with yourself, you always end up like this- swearing at each other and seeing who can come up with the most clever way to debilitate yourself.  
FCG: GET OFF YOUR GODDAMN PHONE AND TALK TO HER. YOU’RE MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE.  
CCG: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS USELESS CONVERSATION IN THE FIRST PLACE!  
FCG: I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU, ASSHOLE.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU  
In the middle of your furious reply, Jade sighs and turns to face you. You hurriedly stow your phone under your leg where she won’t see it. _Smooth._  
“What are you doing?” she asks. Her eyes flicker to your leg. _Shit. _Did she see you hide your phone?__  
“Um. Nothing. Waiting for you to finish pouting.”  
Her expression darkens. “I’m not... pouting!”  
“Well, whatever you were doing, I was waiting for you to finish it so I could talk to you like a normal human being, instead of a rabid barkbeast with a severe need of dental care.”  
She glowers at you. Your phone buzzes several times under your leg. You shift uncomfortably. It tickles. You look back at Jade, who is snarling in a remarkably animal way.  
“Why are you so rude all the time?” she growls. For the first time you notice that her teeth aren’t normal teeth. They’re fangs.  
“I’m trying to help y-!” you argue, before realizing that that was the exact phrase that your future self used a few seconds ago. You stop short, closing your mouth with a snap. Jade stares at you.  
“What is your _problem?_ ”  
“What?” you demand.  
She shakes her head, rolling her eyes. You stiffen as your phone vibrates again.  
“What’s that noise?” she asks, and you remember too late that she has hypersensitive dog ears.  
“Uh..."  
“Is that your phone?”  
“I don’t fucking care! It’s not anyone important!”  
She gives you a skeptical glance, and tries to lean around you to see where the noise is coming from. You press your leg into the bench desperately. Unfortunately, that’s the exact moment when it buzzes once more. Jade’s ears perk up and before you can react, she leaps across you and tries to grab the phone from under your leg. You kick at her and fall back against the bench.  
“Stop it!” you yell. She crawls over your lap and grabs your phone, grinning triumphantly. You try to grab it from her, but she dodges.  
“FCG?” she frowns, and taps the screen to open the conversation. While her eyes are directed away from you, you snatch the phone from her.  
FCG: QUIT BEING A JACKASS AND LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.  
FCG: IS SHE IGNORING YOU RIGHT NOW? GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKUP.  
FCG: TREATING HER BADLY ISN’T GOING TO GET YOU ANYWHERE.  
FCG: SHE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP, YOU IDIOT. LOOK AT THE WAY SHE’S ACTING. GET HER TO THE NURSE OR SOMETHING.  
FCG: OH, WAIT. THIS IS WHERE SHE ATTACKS YOU AND TRIES TO GRAB THE PHONE, RIGHT?  
FCG: TALK TO ME WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE AN ANGRY DRUNK GIRL GETTING MAD AT YOUR IDIOCY FOR THE SECOND TIME TONIGHT.  
You clench your teeth and delete your half-typed response from earlier, forgetting about Jade.  
CCG: IF YOU’RE GOING TO PRETEND TO GIVE ME “ADVICE”, DO IT QUICK. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE ON YOU.  
FCG: LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A REALLY CONFUSING NIGHT, OKAY? JUST DON’T BE AN IDIOT.  
CCG: YEAH, WELL ACCORDING TO YOU THAT’S ALL I EVER AM.  
CCG: THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. JUST L  
“Who are you talking to?”  
You jump, dropping the phone. It lands in a snowdrift. Jade dives for it, but you knee her out of the way and scoop it up yourself, watching Jade through the corner of your eye. She falls off the bench and you prepare to laugh at her, but then she lets out a high-pitched whine and grabs her leg. Instinctively, you drop your phone and try to scoot over to help her.  
A disbelieving grin spreading across her face, she lets go of her leg and grabs the phone from the snowdrift. “Ha!” she exclaims smugly, and rolls away before you can try to get it back.  
You groan and sink back onto the bench and she flicks through the responses, eyebrows slowly disappearing into her bangs as she reads. Somehow, even though you’ve spent hours looking in the mirror and training yourself not to blush, you feel the heat creeping up in your cheeks anyway, and have to consciously focus on your breathing to try to keep from getting up and fighting her.  
Finally, she turns to look at you, one furry eyebrow still caught in the tangles of her hair, one pressed down against the dark skin above her eyebrow.  
You could stammer and stutter and make excuses, but that’s Tavros’ style, not yours. So you decide instead to watch her too, waiting for her to respond.  
“You know, your face is really red for someone who tries to hide their blood color.”  
You’re _seeing_ red, too, and Jade grins at you amusedly as you gape like a beached scalebeast and try to decide whether to say something or to beat her up. Finally, you stand up from the bench, stubbornly refusing to even _think_ about your bruised sides.  
“If your phone had been stolen and some half-baked dog-girl was reading your private messages, you would be mad too!” you manage.  
“You were talking about me,” she says heatedly.  
“With myself! It doesn’t even count!”  
“Yes it _does!_ ”  
“You stole my phone, read my messages, and then get mad at _me_ for talking about you?” Your voice is rising in volume, but you don’t care. You’re in each other’s faces, less than an inch away from smacking into each other. Jade’s ears are pressed back against her head, and her breath smells suspiciously of something close to but not quite like sopor.  
“You were talking about me with your idiot future self and trying to get tips on how to take care of me! I don’t need someone to take care of me!”  
"Well I'm fucking sorry! What else am I supposed to do when I'm trapped in a snowy courtyard with a drunken bark-beast dream-clone who can't control her instincts to attack and hurt trolls who have already been injured enough!" _Ah, fuck._ You shouldn't have brought up your injury. Too late now- the ache in your ribs comes back with a vengeance, and you duck forward automatically, nearly smashing your face into hers. She jerks backwards. "Ugh! What the hell is your problem? What are you trying to accomplish with this? You're so... you're so-"  
“Aaaaugh!” you just about scream, covering your ears.  
She stares at you, the angry red still not draining from her cheeks. Her ears are back like a barkbeast that just got kicked. At first, it’s just frustration at Jade that makes you back away and bend over, feeling sick to your stomach. But then suddenly it’s everything- your constantly pestering future self, the shitty night you’ve had, and above all the sheer inescapableness of everything-  
“It doesn’t count! It’s literally me talking to the exact same person a couple hours in the goddamn future! He’s me, and I’m him, and we both hate you and each other and ourselves! I can’t ever get a break from him, so why can’t I get a break from you?”  
Words are spilling out of your mouth before you can even filter what they’re conveying. Jade watches wonderingly, sinking back into her snowdrift.  
“I can’t figure you out because I can’t figure out myself. It seems like I can’t go five minutes without changing into a different person. Okay? I just... don’t know.”  
For some reason, you’re out of breath. Jade stares at you, eyes wide, as you gasp for air.  
“So that’s what I’ve been wanting to tell you. Fuck, you probably won’t even remember this in the morning. Who cares?”  
After your outburst, the courtyard is remarkably silent. You hadn’t even realized how little noise snow could make when it wanted to.  
Finally Jade gets up from her spot in the snowdrift and starts walking towards you. You stand up too, prepared for her to yell at you. You’re not sure if you’ll be able to take another argument without hurting her feelings even more. So you look down, eyes half-closed, waiting.  
But instead of hearing her harsh words, you feel a warm hand on your arm, and hear a shaky breath just near your ear. You look up in time to see her hug you, gripping at you like she wants to pull together all your stupid, stupid broken pieces.  
“I’m sorry,” she says. You realize she’s shaking.  
Slowly, you reach up and hug her back. You’re almost exactly her height, you realize, and just the right size to let her put one arm around your shoulder and another under your arm, and she feels so comforting- warm and soft and round, in such contrast to the countless hugs you’ve resisted from Gamzee, which were all sharp angles and elbows and makeup getting on your clothes. You feel like you’ve just gotten into a giant vat of sopor. You close your eyes and let yourself relax for the first time all day.  
She begins talking. You feel her words buzzing against your chest.  
“Okay, I know that there’s a lot of things that have happened. And I know that a lot of those things are because of you. But Karkat-” and she draws back and grips you by the arms- “You have to stop beating yourself up about it! It’s not your fault, don’t you get that? It’s not your fault, it’s not your-”  
She chokes a little and hugs you again. You aren’t sure what to feel- she seems so upset about it all, you feel like rolling your eyes might be a proper response. Yet- she just basically dissected all of your sad emotional issues right there. What can you do, swear her to secrecy?  
You hear a sniffle and she pulls back. You feel the absence of her arms immediately. It seems even colder in contrast to the warmth of her embrace.  
“God, Jade, you’re taking this way too seriously. It’s just my brainless future self trying to one-up me,” you tell her.  
“I don’t feel right..." she mumbles, swiping a hand across her face. Her eyes are puffy.  
“No shit,” you mutter in reply.  
“Will you-” She falters and stumbles a little bit, catching herself before she can move too far.  
“Can we go back inside?” she asks. You stare at her, wondering if she’s crazy. You're beaten up and bloody, and she's soaking wet from the snow.   
“You want to go back in... looking like this?" you snort.  
She gives you a look and a slight hiccup, and you remember that she's in serious need of adult help right now.  
You nod silently. She looks grateful, and smiles weakly at you. Then she turns to go. Just before she starts walking, you glance downwards. Her foot is caught on something beneath the snow.  
Before you can do anything else, she’s falling forward. She lets out a startled _eek_ , and you find yourself grabbing for her. The fabric of her shirt catches against your fingernails, and you scrabble wildly at it. Struggling to stay upright on the snow, you loop your arms under her waist to keep her off the snow.  
Jade stiffens in your grip. You realize all too late how very awkward your position is. There’s no way you can drop her now. You might have, if she were in her right mind and not behaving in this... very vulnerable manner. But as she is, there’s no way. She’ll probably start crying. Or worse, laughing.  
Instead you pull her up. She tries to help you by flailing about with her feet, but only succeeds in sending both of you flying in the other direction. You fly back, still holding her, and are about to regain your balance when your heel finds the leg of the bench. Your head cracks sharply on the table. This time, it’s you who’s pinned on the snowless ground under the table, Jade lying on top of you. You’re both suddenly very aware of how close together your faces are. Her breath smells like cherry and sopor. Her dark skin and warm breath are beginning to distract you, make you feel sleepy and in serious need of a moirail, which is exactly the _opposite_ or how you want to feel right now. You look frantically around, searching for something else to look at besides the depths of her deep green eyes. One lone bench. Some piles of snow. A streetlight. Not much to save you from eternal embarrassment.  
"Nnngh!" she says desperately, but for some reason she can't seem to get the hell off of you, and the new pain in your head combined with the sharpness in both your stomach and chest pin your arms to the ground. You want nothing more than to fall asleep and forget that this ever happened.  
Unfortunately for you, that's the exact opposite of what's happening. Jade struggles, to get up, pushing against your chest and trying to sit up, but she's forgotten that you're both trapped under a table and bangs her head on the underside of it. With a squeak of surprise, her hands go flying in all directions and her face smacks into yours. Your mouths and noses collide and you feel something sharp pierce your lip.  
"Ow! What the-"  
You grimace and cover your mouth, which is probably bleeding now. You feel worse than when you first defeated the Black King. At least then you'd been _winning_.  
Jade stares down at you from less than an inch away, eyes wide and searching your face.  
"Sorry," she breathes.  
"Yeah, whatever! Can you please get off? You're doing wonders for my ribs right now," you reply, disgruntled. A vague smile spreads across her face and she rolls off of you.  
"You're hilarious, Karkat."  
You grunt something in reply, trying not to sound rude.  
"Will you let me look at it now?" she says.  
You grunt again, trying not to look at her. Instead, you fix your eyes on the bits of dark sky showing through the holes methodically punched into the bench, not even wanting to try to communicate in a decent manner. You're not sure if it ever snowed on Alternia, although it must have at least once in your short life there. You remember Gamzee talking about it like the spastic idiot he is, going on about how it never snows at the beach and the ocean is to beautiful and _ahh what the fuck what's that cold?_  
Something cold and watery presses against your stomach and you start, wriggling away from the uncomfortable sensation. What _is_ that? God, it's freezing and weird and feels awful.  
"What are you doing?"  
You're startled out of panic mode and look up to realize that that sensation is snow, and it's Jade who's putting it onto your bruises, packing it into little discs and placing them on the areas of your skin that hurt the most.  
"Do you _have_ to make it as hard as possible for me to help you?" she says, shifting so that she's sitting on your legs. "Don't move, you jerk."  
You groan, more embarrassed than anything. Of course, you're just going to make an even worse fool of yourself than you already have.  
The courtyard is quiet and still as the snow piles up, Jade working quietly and quickly. You can no longer feel the places where Eridan hit you. In fact, your entire stomach's gone numb. You feel like you could live with that, as long as it's Jade who's putting the snow on your stomach, trying to comfort you as much as her tiny human brain can, sitting on your legs to keep you still- wait, what?   
If you were more emotional like Kanaya or Nepeta you would be bright red right now.  
Who are you kidding. You're the most emotional of all of them.  
You strictly snap your brain out of stupid mode and return to the moment, trying to focus on something else- anything other than Jade. Wow, what an absolutely stunning lilac bush. This bench is so well-built. That brick wall looks pretty interesting.  
That is, until you see the dark shape lurking behind it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has to be one of my favorite chapters I've written for this story uvu


	15. ==> Be Jade.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which awkward. that is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you know Hussie based Kankri's character off of Tumblr

What did that lousy seadweller _do_ to him?  
You’ve covered almost his entire stomach in snow, and are now busily putting more on the spots where it’s melted. Hopefully you can get him to feel a little better so he won’t act like a dick to the principal and get you in even more trouble than you already will be.  
Suddenly, though, you feel the muscles in his legs tense up. He gives a short sound as though surprised and brings his knees up, trying to stand.  
This accomplishes two things. First, the snow you’ve been carefully laying on his stomach slides off, joining the faint dusting that has accumulated under the table in a slushy mess.  
Second, you’re suddenly sitting on a surface that is no longer flat. In fact, it’s a forty-five degree angle, and you find yourself pitching forward towards Karkat, just catching yourself with your elbows on either side of his head. You’ve barely saved yourself from another painful collision. Karkat lets out another noise, probably of indignance, and scowls from less than a centimeter away.  
“What did you do that for?” you hiss into his face.  
He glowers and shakes his head. He looks like he’s trying to warn you about something, but you’re too preoccupied with how close his face is to yours, the way he’s blushing (which he never does!), and how very fast your heart is beating. As it is, you barely manage to tense up defensively before he gathers his arms underneath you and throws you sideways off of him. You scramble into the open and immediately trip yet again. You land in a drift, and the snow falls around you, almost covering you entirely. He wriggles out from under the bench, standing up too quickly and dusting the snow off his back.  
You’re about to try and get up to yell at him, but then you see the reason why he threw you off so roughly. At the edge of the courtyard stands Kankri.  
“What- no, oh FUCK no, not him, dammit. Not him,” Karkat mutters a bit too loudly as Kankri storms across the sidewalk, bearing down on you with all his righteous glory.  
“What,” he snaps, and you can almost feel flames coming from his eyes, “is _going on_?”  
“Nothing,” you mumble, embarrassed. He raises an eyebrow and turns to Karkat, who stares at you desperately.  
“I will graciously remind both of you that you’re not supposed to go in the courtyard during a school dance,” Kankri informs you, in an obnoxiously superior sort of tone.  
“It was a mistake,” you argue, and hate yourself for what a stupid excuse it is.  
“There are no _mistakes_ involved in this,” Kankri informs you. “I saw you two. Under the bench.”  
“What?” Karkat spits, taking a step closer to his brother so they’re face-to-face.  
Kankri crosses his arms. “You two. Under the bench. Acting quite... for lack of a better word... ignominious.”  
Karkat looks sharply up at him with an expression of pure horror and splutters something completely incoherent.  
“Pardon?” Kankri says.  
“You utter tool!” Karkat manages. “It’s not what you think it is at all!”  
Kankri raises an eyebrow.  
“While I would love to hear this undoubtedly very long and incredible story, I’m here on a mission. I’ve been sent here by the bidding of none other than that of the highest authority, Mr. Sc-”  
Karkat mutters something unintelligible and Kankri turns sharply to him. “What was that?”  
“Kiss my candy-coated shame globes,” he mumbles a bit louder.  
Kankri scowls and grabs Karkat’s wrist roughly.  
“Now, Karkat, with anyone else I would suspect that the cold and the surprise I just gave you could be combined to cause you to be rude. But, being your brother, I know for a fact that you are being unacceptably sharp with me. Mr. Slick asked me to fetch Jade, and naturally I was quite shocked to find you two in such a compromising po-”  
“Dude, just shut the fuck up!” Karkat snaps.  
Kankri stops short, giving him a cold stare, and then turns his gaze to you. “Now, Jade, you know I will have to report this to Mr. Slick when you come in,” he says, trying to act reassuring.  
“Please don’t,” you mumble, but you trip over your words and they come out messed up and almost unintelligible.  
Kankri looks at you curiously.  
“Jade, have you, by any chance, drunk any of the punch that John and Rose made?”  
“ _No!_ ” Karkat interrupts, throwing an arm across Kankri’s chest and twisting free of his grip. Kankri grabs for him again. He tries to dodge, but Kankri manages to seize the edge of his shirt. Karkat stops to avoid the further embarrassment of having it pulled off, wincing when the folds dig into his slowly thawing wounds.  
“You know, don’t you?” Kankri goes on as Karkat wiggles desperately in his grip. “Didn’t John tell you about the immature prank that he and Rose played? Jade is intoxicated, Karkat, and we need to get her to the nurse. It’s imperative that she gets help from an adult.”  
You wonder vaguely what he’s talking about.  
“It’s understandable that you would want to protect her, considering the feelings that you have for her, but I can assure you that letting the nurse take care of her is the best course of action,” he continues. Karkat looks infuriated.  
“I don’t have feelings for her, you sick fuck!”  
“Really, Karkat. I’m not surprised you’re angry, but it does you no good to-”  
“Argh! Shut. Up! I’m dealing with it on my own-” Karkat tries to wrench his arm away, but instead winces and doubles over.  
“Are you alright, Karkat? Have you been injured?”  
“No,” he grunts.  
“Let me look,” Kankri insists, trying to push up Karkat’s sleeve.  
"No!”  
“Gentlemen,” comes another voice. Both of the brothers jump, startled, and then each tries to twist in the opposite direction. This only entangles them further, and they stumble, Kankri forgetting he’s still holding Karkat’s shirt.  
Mr. Slick strides across the courtyard, bearing down on you with the attitude of a cab driver who just caught a runner. Kankri snaps to attention, letting go of Karkat’s shirt to clasp his hands together with the attitude of a priest at confession. Karkat glares at him, half-turned away to shield himself from the teacher’s scolding demeanor.  
“Mr. Vantas,” he says. Karkat rolls his eyes, but Kankri straightens and nods dutifully.  
“I told you to fetch ‘er and get back to the office,” Slick says. “Not,” and his eyes snap to Karkat, “get into fights with your brother.”  
“Sorry, sir. He was-”  
“Not interested. Get outta the snow and come to the office. And bring her with.”  
He gestures towards you without looking at you, instead turning, grabbing Kankri’s shoulder, and walking away. You struggle to get out of the snow, but the drift is too deep and you head is pounding. _Intoxicated_ , he’d said. What?  
“Are you coming?” Karkat mutters in your direction. You shake your head frustratedly and try again to push yourself up. This time you succeed, but almost fall back down again when your new vertical position greets you with an awful headrush. You catch yourself leaning precariously.  
Then you walk after them, the headrush you’ve barely recovered from making you dizzy. Kankri glances back as you stop, another wave of dizziness forcing you to sink down onto the ground. One corner of his mouth lifts concernedly, and he tugs on Slick to stop.  
“Okay, okay,” he mutters, and stops to let Kankri prop you up. His sweater is itchy against your arms, and he’s awkwardly taller than you, so you’re forced to stand unnaturally upright. You make your way towards the side entrance slowly, listening to Karkat grumble the whole way.  
As Slick holds open the door begrudgingly for you, you begin to realize how awfully loud parties are and how much it makes your head ache. Kankri stoops over as your knees begin to wobble, and you clutch at him for support. The exhaustion hovering in the back of your mind suddenly moves to the very front, and you struggle to keep your eyes open. Why have you been falling asleep so much lately? You force yourself to walk upright and keep going, avoiding the stares of your classmates.  
Finally you reach the other end of the room and leave the dance floor. The office is straight ahead and just a bit to the right, and the front part is made mostly of glass. Inside is Scratch’s desk, various filing cabinets, and assorted benches and couches, which seem to be… bare? Then you spot the pile of cushions in the office. Behind the pile is... no- isn’t he dead? Dave’s late older brother peeks out from behind the pile of cushions in the principal’s office. Which is what causes you to squeak in surprise and allow the exhaustion in your brain to take over. The next moment, you find yourself sinking to the floor. Then your eyes close once more and everything vanishes in a whirl of cherry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Kankri voice* "mmm yes _ignominious_ hah yes *polite gentlemanly laughter*
> 
> but no seriously his personality is almost as hilariously shitty as the incredibly lazy end of this chapter.


	16. ==> Be Karkat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I forgot to tell you guys this but this is an AU where they win and don't have to scratch somehow I haven't really thought it through THERE AREn'T ANY PLOT HOLES AT ALL SHhH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is one of those fucking weirdos who can get in that little cranny between being completely delirious and the life of the party if he's had the right amount of alcohol

At first you don’t notice, but when Kankri exclaims in surprise and something hits the ground behind you, you turn and immediately groan at the sight of Jade lying there on the floor. What is with her and her obnoxious sleeping habits?  
Kankri stares at her like she’s a casteist slur graffitied on the tile. You sigh exaggeratedly and go to pick her up. She feels heavy, warm and limp in your arms. You shudder visibly, remembering a very vivid incident where you held a friend similarly to this, only covered in green and fuschia blood. Your stomach objects at this thought and you have to take several deep breath. Jade looks still and silent, and you look down at her stomach to be sure she’s still breathing. Slick rolls his eyes and opens the door again as you stare at her, clearing his throat loudly and nodding his head towards the door. You stagger in, grimacing at yourself. _Get it together, you fucking no-good coward shitbaby..._  
At the sight inside, you almost drop Jade.  
The couches and chairs have been stripped of their comfortable cushions. Their naked skeletons seem to shiver in the corners, covered only by a few stray pillowcases. In the middle of the office sits a giant pillow fort, complete with a couch cover that serves as a blanket. The picture of Dave’s late brother that’s kept on the desk serves as a sort of figurehead for the abomination that covers almost the entire floor of the tiny office.  
You’re not sure if you’ll be able to hold Jade’s deadweight anymore, so you put her on one of the bare couches and prepare yourself for some serious questioning.  
“Oh, what the _fuck?_ ” you hear Slick mutter behind you. Kankri turns to him, shocked.  
“Sir, you could get fired with that language!”  
“Kid, to be completely honest with you, I couldn’t give a flying shit about my job,” he grunts, and approaches the pillow fort with a look of disgust on his face. Muffled giggling comes from inside.  
“Get outta there, Strider,” he orders.  
“Come and get meeee!” the voice sings from inside. More giggling.  
You groan, drop to your knees, and poke your head into the opening of the fort. Dave is sitting on the floor inside, legs crossed, holding one of his shoes in his arms like he’s carrying a newborn grub. He’s singing a lullaby to it under his breath, but as you enter he looks up.  
“Dave, quit shitting around,” you order him. He shakes his head, grinning widely, and throws the shoe at you. Luckily his aim is almost as bad as his singing, and he ends up hitting one of the cushions instead. Unluckily, instead of bouncing off softly and landing on the floor, the shoe knocks the cushion askew, bringing down the rest of the fort with it. You find yourself trapped underneath the couch cover. You throw your arms up to try and fling it off of you, only to discover that it has the type of rubber edges sewn on that wrap around you and make it nearly impossible to escape. You flail briefly in the scratchy fabric while Dave laughs maniacally above you. Finally a blast of cool air hits your arm and you realize you’ve managed to free it. You have no intention of getting out just yet, though- instead, you sit up underneath the cloth, make a wild swing and grab onto Dave’s ankle. He shrieks and the angle of his leg in your hand changes drastically. Then he comes crashing down, kicking out wildly. You swear loudly at him as his foot makes contact with the bruise on your stomach that hasn’t yet had the chance to begin healing. Dave falls off you and curls into a ball, shaking with silent laughter, and you cuss him out under your breath as you sink onto your side, clutching your bruise.  
“Watch your language,” says Slick. You and Kankri stare at him disbelievingly. Dave giggles again and sits up.  
You grip your now-aching-again stomach even harder and untangle yourself the rest of the way. Then you stand up, trying not to flinch as the pain makes its way around your torso. All of your other injuries are being ignited now. Dave watches you with a half-confused, half-excited look on his face. You offer him a reluctant hand. He grabs it, shakes it, and then gives you his other shoe.  
You stare at it blankly for a second before giving it back to him, grabbing a cushion, and sitting on one of the couches.  
“Okay. So Dave had some kind of human soporific and now he’s broken his think pan. What now?”  
“I’ve gotta stop other students from drinking it, or I’m gonna be in a load of trouble,” Slick says monotonously. “I was in charge of making sure it was safe. Guess I forgot. Oops.”   
Kankri nods very seriously and turns to open the door. Before he can get there, the knob turns on its own and the door hits him in the face.  
He staggers back in surprise as Jake, John, Dirk, Aradia, and Equius all trail in, followed by the white suit and impressive aura of Scratch. He strides through the doorway, takes in the array of pillows and drunk high schoolers in one instant, and takes a seat behind his desk as though he already knew about the sight he was going to be greeted with.  
John grimaces as he enters, giving you a glance filled with confusion. You shrug at him and roll your eyes. Dave tries to hug your leg and you kick him off.  
Next is Jake and Dirk, who walk in side by side. Dirk’s head is up and he seems to notice neither the pile of couch cushions on the floor, nor his brother lying with his arms out and snickering at the ceiling. Jake looks down at the floor, shoulders slumped, and nearly trips over a stray pillow.  
Then come Aradia and Equius, who look deeply resentful and more than a little embarrassed. As they walk into the office, they accidentally brush hands. Equius leaps away like he’s just touched an open flame. Aradia, on the other hand, looks as though she’s about to destroy a building.  
As all five of them situate themselves on the various skeletal seats (Equius and Aradia sitting as far away as possible and carefully avoiding looking at anything but their hands), Scratch laces his fingers together and leans forward.  
He opens his mouth to speak, but as soon as he starts, the door opens once more. This time, it’s Tavros, ushered in by one of the many teachers whose name you don’t know. You guess he got caught, too. It was only a matter of time. He’s not exactly the sneakiest guy in the world.  
Scratch raises his eyebrows at the nameless teacher. She nods and backs out, leaving all ten of you at the mercy of the principal.  
“Now, would any one of you like to be courteous to my fellow teachers and I, and tell us what has been happening tonight?”  
A jolt of shock runs through you as Scratch studies each one of your faces, searching for the one that might be easiest to crack. Your mind goes blank. What do you say? Should you make it up?  
“Well?” he says, and each one of you stares at your hands with your mouths shut as though they’re glued. There’s nothing any of you can say that won’t give it away. You’re not getting out of this one anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a message to Karkat from his loving fanauthor, who regrets making him a pissbaby almost as much as they enjoyed writing him being a pissbaby](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1gv4QDaxe4)


	17. ==> Be Vriska.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> VRISKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
> TOOOOOOOOO THE RESCUE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major ~~reallyreallyoutthere~~ Tavros headcanon warning ahead

“...then she started going off on one of her rants about leprechauns, so I told her, Serket, there ain’t nobody that’s gonna listen to this shit. How do you live with her? How did _I_ live with her?”  
“Mmm,” you say, trying to concentrate.  
She leans over the table, rolling her eyes. “Then she’s all, oh Meenah, it’s so finteresting and unushell and riverting, _damn_ that was good. Not technically an ocean pun, but still-”  
“Do you hear that?” you interrupt her. She shuts up, staring at you.  
“Hear what?”  
You tilt your head (like that will help). But the sound has gone.  
“I… dunno,” you say finally. She gives you a puzzled look, punching your shoulder. “Guess you finally cracked, eh?”  
“Ha ha. Sure. What were you saying?” You feign interest in her boring little spiel, propping up your chin in your hand.  
“Well then she started talkin’ about you, so I figured I should tuna in a little so I could pass it through to you-”  
“Wait!” you tell her. She falls silent again.  
“I hear something.” You cup your hand over your ear, but it doesn’t seem to help. “It sounds like a voice.”  
“Water in your ear?” she suggests with a grin, and you glare at her.  
More for show than anything, you put your head in your hands and try to concentrate. She watches you, frowning.  
“Yeah, I can hear something. It’s too loud in here.” You make as if to get up and she looks at you sharply. “You’re leaving?”  
“I want to see what it is!”  
She shrugs and gets up too. “I think you’re losing it, Serket, but whatever.”  
You make your way through the dancing crowd towards the door. There are significantly fewer teachers in the hallway than you recall there being. What’s up with that? But you quickly push it to the back of your mind and focus as you lead Meenah out onto one of the snowy benches.  
“I don’t get it- how can there be a voice in MY head?” you demand. It’s faint, wavery, and has a certain bubbly quality that Meenah would grin at. It’s definitely male, the kind that would hesitantly ask for money at your doorway while holding cheap pamphlets.  
“Tavros!” you shout, jerking your head up. Meenah jumps.  
“You can’t startle me like that, Serket!” she says, grinning, but you stand up and start to pace.  
“Tavros can’t commune with _people_. How is he talking to me? Why would he do that? Why would he do it at a party? The idiot- what’s he trying to-”  
“Why dontcha listen to what he’s SAYING before you ask dumb questions?” she interrupts. You stare at her, feeling idiotic, and then cover your ears and concentrate again.  
“He’s saying something about… catch? No, hatch- dammit, Meenah, why’d you have to get all those fish puns stuck in my head?”  
“Psssssh... whatever, crabby,” she says.  
His voice has faded out again, though, and you stand up with a groan of resignation. “Never mind. This is bullshit. It’s probably just him doing dumbass things again and trying to get better at whatever his shitty psychic powers are.”  
“Globes,” Meenah mutters disappointedly.  
“Who knows what he’s up to this time? Some idiot thing that stoner told him to do, probably. Fucking braindead stupid idiot…”  
You continue muttering under your breath as you walk towards the door. Meenah watches you with a snarky smile on her face, and you feel yourself growing increasingly pissed at her smugness. What business does she have trying to pry into your and Tavros’ personal conversation? And why does it sound like the stereo whine in the back of your head is growing louder...?  
Suddenly, there’s a whine and then a burst of static, and his voice comes clean through to your brain. You freeze, disoriented by the noise.  
“What’s up now?” Meenah complains, turning. Then she stops at the look on your face.  
“Oi, Serket, you look like you’ve just seen Nic Cage’s ghost.”  
“We’ve got to help them!” you say, and before Meenah can even react, you’ve dashed inside and are heading for the office. There’s no time to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *solemn first grader voice* because humans are animals too


	18. ==> Be Karkat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat isn't much of a tough cookie  
> but to be fair he has a couple of broken ribs and a migraine  
> beating him up is fun
> 
> (a short haiku by me)

John jerks his head up with a look of unbridled panic. As he meets your eyes, shaking his head just enough so that Scratch won’t see, you consider telling a (slightly modified) version of the truth just to fuck with him.   
But you’re too mature for a prank like that.  
Instead, you decide to fall similarly silent to the rest of the group, examining the backs of your hands. You hear Slick clear his throat a couple of times, shuffle his feet, and then decides to remain mercifully impartial.   
Suddenly, you feel John stiffen next to you. You turn to glare at him, but he doesn’t seem to notice. His eyes are fixed on the empty space ahead of him. A crease appears between his eyebrows.  
“Egbert!” you hiss at him. He doesn’t seem to notice.  
You nudge him, annoyed, but he doesn’t react. His mouth forms a slight “what?”, but it’s not directed at you.  
Then, all three of the students sitting across from you- Tavros, Equius, and Jake- tense too. Jake looks around like he’s just heard someone whisper his death sentence. Tavros cringes and tries to cover his ears. Equius looks perplexed, like he just tried to smash something and couldn’t. Next to you, you hear John mutter something very quietly, and you elbow him sharply in an attempt to get him to shut up.  
“Boys?” Scratch says coldly. “Is there something wrong?”  
“I feel quite odd,” Jake says stiffly. “May I go lie down?”  
“Certainly not,” he replies smoothly. “I- or should I say, we- must get to business.”  
Jake starts to nod, but then he seizes up, blinks, and hunches over, coughing and choking. Kankri, who is standing next to him, leaps away as though Jake’s attacking him. Tavros watches him nervously, but then doubles over too, imitating Jake. Equius covers his mouth. You glance nervously over at John, but he watches the events impassively.  
Scratch sighs and waves a hand at Slick, who guides the now shaking Jake and Tavros around the desk and into the windowed nurse’s room. Equius and Kankri both watch in horror, Equius’s hand still covering his mouth, trying not to start coughing too.  
You’re watching Jake and Tavros apologize to Slick, tears streaming down their faces from their choking fits, when suddenly you feel your mind wrenched uncontrollably out of your grip. Your spine seems to curl backwards on itself. Then your mouth opens of its own accord.  
“Yeah, I feel kind of sick too,” your brain tells your mouth to say, and then you feel a burning tickle in the back of your throat and are forced to succumb to the same eye-watering, stomach-cramping form of torture that the two boys sitting on the nurse’s bench endured.  
After what seems like a lifetime, you find yourself lying on the floor, curled into a ball, with a burning sensation slowly working itself through the bruises that cover your side. Realizing you must have fallen off the bench, you push yourself up and are immediately subjected to an awful migraine that sends you back into a horizontal position on the ground.  
Through the water in your eyes you can vaguely see the outline of John’s head as he stares down at you. Then you hear a voice- that voice- and all else is unimportant.  
“Hey, Karkat! It’s me- sorry about that. No worries about that little bout of coughing you just had. I’m on my way to help you guys. Just relax and let me do the work.”  
You put all of your remaining conscious thought into gathering up all the expletives in your vocabulary (there are quite a lot) and mentally throwing them at her. You’re not a telepath like her (or maybe a better word would be a psychopath) but you hope the message gets across.  
You close your eyes because the light above you is much too bright- whose idea was it to have the sun installed on the ceiling? Then you feel someone’s hands under your arms and you’re lifted off the ground. Someone laughs (probably Dave) and you groan before squinting and realizing it’s John carrying you, with a very odd look on his face. Dave starts to giggle again.  
You can honestly say that you’ve never seen Scratch confused before, and you never plan to again. As John carries you in the bridal position to the nurse’s room, Scratch gives the remaining students a look that could only be described as pure ice. Then you join Tavros and Jake, separated from the others by a door and a thin barrier of glass. John leaves, looking very disoriented, and comes back a moment later with Dave in tow.   
“I’m going to go find the nurse,” Scratch says from the other room. “Mr. Slick, if you will.”   
Slick grunts and holds the door for the principal as he walks out. Then he follows.  
In the moment before they round the corner, it’s absolutely silent. Then, as they disappear, there’s a great rustle and Aradia, Dirk, and the rest all burst through the door.   
“Did you-” John says, but he’s interrupted by Jake, who nearly falls off the bench.  
“What was that?” he says loudly, and suddenly everyone starts talking at once.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Did you hear that v-”  
“Yeah, but-”  
“What just happened-”  
“What are you guys talking ab-”  
Everyone’s talking so insistently, and you can’t tell whose voice is whose, and the lights are searing through your skull, and your migraine is getting unbearable.  
“Oi! Everyone shut the fuck up!” A new voice shatters the babble, and the crowd turns simultaneously to the figures standing at the door.  
“Okay, I just saved all of your asses there.” says another voice. This one is easily recognizable by its drawn-out vowels and drawling syllables, and when it continues you feel the urge to bang your head repeatedly against the metal table you’re lying on.   
“Are you going to stand there all night and talk about voices in your heads, or can we get down to business like we’re not actually imbeciles?”  
“It worked?” Tavros says next to you.  
“Yeah, Tav, we got your lame distress call. Can we get this show on the road?”  
You sit up, vaguely wondering what the hell this “distress call” is. You can’t quite make out the figure next to Vriska- in fact, the only way you know the first person’s Vriska is by the endless sarcastic tones in her voice. Instead of straining your eyes (and consequentially your entire body) to try and see her, you flop backwards and close your eyes. The you run your fingers across your forehead, trying to soothe the aching. At least you can kind of ignore the pain from the beating you’d gotten before.   
Voices keep going behind your consciousness, but you try to tune them out. Who cares about the coughing, who cares about the voices, who cares about Tavros’ supposed distress call to Vriska? You don’t care about any of this, especially the ridiculous conversation taking place. Until one particularly striking tone joins in.  
“Don’t gimme that carp, Serket. If all eleven of ‘em disaspear from this room, we’re all gonna be in a shitheap of trouble.”  
You sit up abruptly, whacking your head on someone’s elbow. For a moment, sparks appear on the edges of your vision, and everything from the chair in the corner to the group of people in the room appears to have a slightly plastic, shiny outline. You’ve suffered way too many blows to the head tonight.  
“Yeah, but they’re already in a shitheap of trouble, Meenah.”  
“Meenah?” you say, putting a hand to your head and glaring at Dave, who’s sticking his arms out like a cluckbeast and singing some ludicrous nursery rhyme about boats.  
“‘Eyyy, shouty! You’re alive!” Meenah says cheerily, and turns back to Vriska again.  
“Look, we can’t just smuggle ‘em out of here and not expect a full-on finvestigation tomorrow. You know how they are at this school.”  
Vriska groans and plops down on one of the chairs. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But that means I did all that awesome mind power shit for nothing! And I threw in some fancy tricks, too! Come on, Meenah, throw me a bone here!”  
“Nah,” Meenah replies, lounging against the edge of the table. Dave snickers at her, grabs his foot, and rolls slowly towards the edge of the table. She frowns at him. “What’s wrong with sunglasses over here?”  
“Alcohol,” Dirk mutters. He looks annoyed, frustrated, and mortally embarrassed for his brother.  
“All right, okay. Now that we’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, can we actually figure out what to do here?” Vriska stands up and crosses her arms, demanding attention. But before she can get very far, John turns to the window, eyes widened.   
“Shhhh!” he says. “They’re coming back!”  
The room falls silent.  
Vriska’s eyes and Meenah’s grin both widen identically, and before any of you can say anything else, they clamber into one of the cupboards on the side of the room, settling inside as though they’d planned this whole thing out. Before any of you can do anything else, Scratch and Slick enter with the nurse.  
You recognize her. Her name is Ms. Paint and apparently she’s both an art teacher and the school nurse, unable to support herself with only one job. She’s very nice, not questioning anything as she inspects Jade, who’s still sleeping on the couch. She’s a Prospitian, but somehow her hard exoskeleton appears soft and forgiving in the harshly artificial light. Slick watches her out of the corner of his eyes.  
Meanwhile Scratch advances towards you, arms behind his back diplomatically. You sit up, ignoring the way everything in the office appears to disintegrate. Pull it together, eyes...  
“This seems like quite the fun party,” he says, glancing around at each of you with the expression of a man who’s just had his tires slashed and isn’t sure which one of you is holding the knife.   
“Yeah, it’s a powwow all right,” Dirk says. Dave nods enthusiastically, giggling, and Dirk looks at him sharply.  
“I must go back to monitor the hallways, but rest assured that there will be questioning from these two,” Scratch says, indicating the two other teachers. Slick jerks his gaze away from the busily working Ms. Paint, nodding dutifully.  
“We will get to the bottom of this,” the principal reassures you ominously. Without a trace of emotion, he beckons to Kankri, who guiltily follows him. You wish you had the time to threaten him to not tell before he leaves, but he doesn’t look back, leaving the room with barely a glance.  
As soon as they disappear down the hallway, Jake jumps to his feet.   
“Please, sir, you can’t tell him anything! If he finds out, I’ll be more screwed than Indiana Jones in the clutch of the Soviets! I’ll be busted! My parents’ll kill me!” Jake falls to his knees dramatically, nearly sobbing.  
“Dude. You’re embarrassing yourself.” Dirk nudges him with a foot. Jake sniffles and stands up. “Sorry,” he mumbles.  
Slick looks over as if he’s just noticed the two standing next to him. “Sure. Whatever,” he mutters. He seems very interested in Jade’s dilemma, particularly the way Ms. Paint is bending over to check her pulse.  
There’s a very awkward silence in which Jake looks infinitely embarrassed and Dirk smirks at Slick’s vacant stare. Then Jake clambers back onto the table. Everyone silently studies the adults in the room, not sure what to make of the situation.   
Finally you clear your throat a couple of times. Ms. Paint turns around, glancing for a moment at Slick. He quickly looks up to the ceiling.  
“Jade’s been drinking some kind of alcohol,” she pronounces. It’s the first time she’s spoken. Her voice sounds like wind chimes.  
John turns pale and starts shifting uncomfortably next to you, humming some obnoxious piano tune. You spike him with your elbow. Why did you have to end up sandwiched between him and the red-shirt retard?  
“Wait. You think Jade’s been drinking?” Aradia’s eyes flicker between John, who refuses to stop fidgeting, to Tavros, who twists his hands in his lap, to Dave, who’s silently cracking up at some unknown joke, to you. You try to look vaguely puzzled and annoyed, like you have no idea what’s going on. She raises an eyebrow and you wince inwardly.  
Jake looks almost personally offended, like Ms. Paint had insulted him to his face. He glances down at Jade, who’s started to snore, and then looks at John accusingly. John catches his eye and looks quickly towards the window. His fingers tap on the side of your leg. It’s getting unbearable. You scoot away from him towards Dave. Unfortunately, this doesn’t improve your situation any- in fact, it probably makes it worse. He’s swinging his leg, banging it against the table every few seconds, and as you move away from John, he kicks again and his heel collides with your shin. You elbow him sharply and he stops, letting out a high-pitched whine and deflating onto his side. Then he pops up, giggling.  
“You can’t stop TIIIME, Karkat!” he says loudly. The room falls silent and all eyes turn to him. Slick scowls.  
“Somebody lend me a glue stick so that I can apply it to his mouth,” you beg. He smacks his lips and starts banging his shoe on the table again. “Not cool, Karkat! A true best bro will listen to his friend for hours. I need to teach you the art of…”  
“Alright, kids, you’re wasting our valuable time here,” Slick grunts, mercifully saving you from hours of arguing. Dave starts to open his mouth again, but Slick cuts his eyes at him and he makes the wise decision not to make any puns.  
“In fact, I think my coworker and I-” At this, his eyes flicker to Ms. Paint. The corner of her mouth creeps up, and she raises an eyebrow at him. He clears his throat. “-we have... um, several different line of questioning to carry out. So. Will Jake, Dirk, and whoever the hell else was involved in that incident please come with me to my office. With Ms. Paint, of course. Because we have some questions to ask you.”  
Dirk lets out a puff of air and slaps the couch as he stands. Jake, Aradia and Equius stand too, and the group begins making their way out of the room and into the hallway. John makes a squeaking noise and grips the edge of the table. He looks like a melting candle.  
Slick gestures at him, but he pretends not to see, instead staring at the floor like it’s the most interesting pattern he’s ever seen. You roll your eyes. It’s one line of questioning or the other. Although you can understand why he wouldn’t want to be trapped in a small office with Equius and Jake.  
However, Slick seems to have forgotten John as Ms. Paint lets out a tinkly laugh and pulls him out of the room after Dirk, who’s halfway down the hall and looking grim. Slick stumbles after her, all pretenses forgotten. As the door swings shut, there’s no sound but the smooth shk of well-oiled hinges.  
Finally, it closes with a soft click, and there’s a collective sigh of relief. You fall back onto the table, dizzily studying the ceiling and wondering if you could potentially fall asleep. But before that can happen, something scrapes and shudders, there’s a massive bang like a gunshot from somewhere to your left, and Vriska and Meenah tumble out of the cupboard. You sit up again, startled, only to smack your forehead once more on Dave’s still sticking-out elbows.   
“Fucking hell!” you yell as a white streak passes across your vision. Dave cackles and begins to drum his fingers on the top of your head.  
You’re not sure how many more drunken shenanigans you can take before you either explode or rip Dave’s throat out.  
Sinking back down for what you’ve decided will be the last time, you put a hand against your forehead. It feels feverish; damp and boiling hot. The ceiling appears faintly blurry and doubled. You wonder hazily why Ms. Paint didn’t have time to examine any of your injuries, and tell yourself it would have been ridiculous anyways. Getting Eridan in trouble is like getting the Queen of England in trouble. It just doesn’t work.  
“So anyways, where were we?” Vriska says, putting her hands on her hips expectantly.  
“Getting us out of here,” you mutter under your breath. Talking any louder hurts. A lot.  
“Pardon?” she says, leaning in towards you exaggeratedly.  
“You need to get us out of here,” you repeat, slightly louder. She shakes her head, looking perplexed. You groan loudly, disregarding your resolution to never sit up again. Then you lean forward so your mouth is next to her ear.  
“Get us the fuck out of here!” you shout.  
Oh, Jesus. That was a bad idea. It feels as though every word is a knife that has been plunged with unerring accuracy through the back of your skull. Several large dots of white dance in front of Vriska, and you bat at them with an angry fist. Vriska gives you a stare that’s a mixture between confused and disturbed. You don’t care. The sharp pain between your ears has changed to the sensation of turning slowly, then spinning faster and faster. You look to your right, where John is looking at you worriedly. The space between his eyebrows is creased. Dave snorts from behind you. You twist to confront him and immediately regret it as you pitch forward and off of the table.  
The last thing you remember is his cackling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like my writing very much recently :c  
> I will edit this later. meanwhile if you catch any grammar/spelling mistakes please let me know!


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